File this under grumpy. Forewarning a mini-vent ahead.
This is not new territory for me, I have it brought it up before. I broach this with the appropriate amount of both fear and trembling. My disclaimer I am not saying anything is right or wrong. These are the thoughts of my heart and my mind.
After a less than perfect day at work, a day in which I willingly stayed late to cover for the person who was working late shift so their Performance Management Review could take place in the appropriate amount of time. A day in which I was told that my focus has not entirely there and that my attendance this year has been less than stellar...
hmm extenuating circumstance no? All covered by
FMLA and STD no less. A day in which I was also told that they have looked me over for several special projects because there is no telling when I will need to be out for a treatment. Followed closely by comments about prioritizing between sick children, sick mommy and work. Well, you get the idea...
I come home to a letter from someone who has decided to leave her job to become a stay at home Mommy to a soon to be brood of three under five on one salary. While I won't divulge the salary, suffice it to say it's a historically not high paying position. I have no problems with
SAHM's I don't, honestly I don't. If they can do it more power to them. We are not in the position for me to do that, not even remotely close. But not too shockingly, I digress, the next sentence is always like nails on a chalkboard to me, "it's going to be tough on our family, but we trust God will provide."
We trust that God will provide? I have no doubt in God's provision. He does provide for us, I believe that. But does that make me any less of a Mom because I recognize that I need to stay at work to contribute? Does that make me less faithful? That is my issue with that statement. By my staying at work, by my refusing to make my husband work two, maybe three jobs so I can stay home, am I doubting God's provision? Will God not reward me for recognizing that children are also a responsibility? As much as it is my responsibility to "train them in the way they should go" it is also just as much my responsibility to provide for them financially as well. Because I work how does that tie to the strength of my faith, or my faith in God's will or provisioning?
How can it be that simple? Especially when I am getting two conflicting pulls. On one hand I allow my outside work life to impact my work focus, only to be told not even two hours later that I doubt God will provide for me because I work. I guess ultimately that's up to God and I to decide and I am accountable only to him. But it is still bothersome to me when it is put out there like that in a neat little package. Most especially when those neat little packages aren't always what they appear to be.