(At) Odds and Ends

Just a few random updates.

Not sure if I've updated the pathology report came back confirming a partial molar pregnancy, which is of course the best possible of the two options. So yay for that, what that means is that we had two sets of Lew's chromosomes to one set of mine. This also means that the egg wasn't empty, which is great news to this old lady. It also means that a baby at least started, but with the third set of chromosmes, obviously the baby wouldn't have developed the way he or she should have. So that leaves me with weekly blood draws until zero, then monthly for the next six months, and absolutely no TTC.

Two weeks past D&C and I'm still not settled. I've gone from being sad to just out right crabby and I hate that I don't understand why I'm being this way. I don't like it one bit. Nerves are raw. A drink or five might be nice, but it's only a temporary solution and obviously not the way to go, or will go.

I heard over Christmas that a young girl at church is pregnant, single, high school senior. A good kid has actually baby-sat for the munch, this was obviously unplanned. Due somewhere close to when I would have been due. I had such a hard time with that. I have never had issues like that before and I was not proud of myself for taking it badly. Why does she get to keep her baby while I had to say goodbye to mine? Of course after thinking about it for awhile, and trying to take myself out of the situation I realized while she probably wouldn't want the miscarriage situation she probably would rather not be in the position she is in. While it is going to be tough for me to see her go through her pregnancy, I will resolve to pray for her and her parents. Such a tough position to be in for all of them. We'll see how good I do with that.

Finally, one last thing. I listed my goals for the next six months. I want to add one more. A regular date night with my husband. Last night we went out to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra. Such a good night, such an amazing concert. Such great musicians, of course you have to like loud, but man were they good. The story was awesome, the effects were unbelievable. It snowed inside the arena. I can't say enough good things about them. If you get a chance go see them. But I digress, this was the first time we had gone "out" an done something more than run errands. It was nice to spend time and just hang out and not foucs on anything. We need to do that more.

Happpy New Year to all! Here is to a wonderful 2009. Hugs.

Six goals for six months

I have been thinking about setting a few goals for myself to occupy the next six months of my life. Why six months? That is the time I have before we can even think about TTC again. I thought maybe, just maybe if I set goals for myself it would take my mind off of the situation I am currently in. Not sure that it will work, but a girl can hope right? Also, I'm usually lacking in follow through with personal goal for myself. So let's see how this works shall we?
Without further delay, here's what I've come up with, in no particular order.

1. Lose 20 pounds. I'm still up twenty pounds between the sweet grill and the whole thyroid mess. This is the most that I have ever weighed and I'm not happy about it. I feel dumpy and frumpy and I want to change that.

2. Work out on a semi-regular basis. That should help with number one.

3. Get my thyroid scan done and any treatment necessary. My goal is to get that out of the way. That way if we do decide to go for number 3, it will not be hanging over my head.

4. Use my Pamper Package spa certificate and try to do something nice for myself like this on a regular basis.

5. Treat myself to Starbucks after every blood draw until my hcg reaches zero. Goofy, but I may as well reward myself for doing something that I would rather not be doing. Especially if I keep getting the chatty phlebotomist. Long story.

6. Start doing one on one time with Evie and Lewie, take one of them out at a time and just do Mommy and Me time. I know Lewie would really like that and Evie will too as she gets older.

That's it for now. Hope everyone had Happy Holidays!

Heavenly Peace

I interrupt the barrage of self-absorbed whining to share this. In spite of all of my inner turmoil lately, there have been moments of peace. I had a moment sitting on the couch with the munch and the sweet girl, both were content and sitting on my lap and snuggling. This is the first time that has EVER happened, both at one time and both content and happy sitting still. My children never sit still. I soaked in the moment, and it was then that I realized that I am still truly blessed despite the yucky stuff that has happened this year.

I also wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas, enjoy the holidays with your little ones.

Hugs to you and your families.

The Beat Goes On

Funny how sometimes taking a step back, can make things not seem so big. A week ago today, I was angry and throwing up. Four days ago, I was angry and sad. Today, mostly sad but picking myself up by the bootstraps and trudging along. Did I mention I'm still sad? I'm having issues with the WHYS? Why is this happening? Why did I have to get Thyroid Cancer? Why did I have to lose another baby? What do I have to learn? What lesson am I missing? Where have I failed? Maybe I won't ever know, maybe those questions will cease to matter so much. For now that's here I am.

I had intended on continuing my long drawn out D&C saga, but in retrospect it's probably not significant to anyone but me. I ended up passing out in the car thirty minutes from the hospital. Twenty minutes from home. It was bad enough that my husband said that I looked like I had a stroke, and did I mention we were right in the middle of an ice storm? To add insult to injury I ended up in a "semi-private" room with a loud cantankerous little old lady, who hogged the one tv in the room and was awake almost all night. Far from ideal and added more to how absurd the whole situation was. Like I needed anymore help making the day more memorable.

Now that I've had time away from the rawness of it, while it is still very present, I am not as held hostage by the situation as I was. Fortunately, I have a great distraction in Christmas and celebrating it with my family as it stands. I will mourn my baby I lost, but I will celebrate with the babies that I have here and we'll have the best Christmas ever. A weird juxtaposition but that's my goal.

Thanks for the hugs and prayers. Keep them coming.

If It Weren't for Bad Luck...

I'd have no luck at all. At least that's how I have been feeling lately. Even a "simple suction D&C" turned semi-problematic for me.

Monday we go to do the pre-op stuff and I was greatly relieved to figure out that I would not be having the D&C in the L&D part of the hospital. Same floor, but fortunately they have a separate section. I was so proud of myself I held it together. Even when the nurse asked me if the D&C was due to a pregnancy. Imagine the awkardness when I said yes. Fortunately Monday was busy and I was able to keep my mind occupied. I had a bad nausea day, so you can imagine how thrilled I was to spend my last night being "pregnant" throwing up. It seemed almost a little cruel.

Tuesday we get to the hospital a little before 8, we were told to be there at 8 and that surgery would be at 9. 830 rolled around and we were still waiting. Finally I got up the courage to go ask if there was a delay. Not really, they changed my time and neglected to tell me. Turns out I wasn't scheduled until 11. A nurse came out and took me back, got me all situated and it was just waiting time. I do feel the need to share that she was the first nurse ever in my history that not only got my IV in the first time, it usually takes at least two attempts, with Evie it took four. She also managed to do it relatively painlessly.

I got used to answering the whole what's your name, dob, and what procedure are you having today. Though really is it necessary to have a woman who is well aware that she will be losing a pregancy keep saying that she is having a suction D&C? By the fourth time, I was numb to it. I had an awesome anathesiologist, was out before I knew it. I was so afraid I'd cry, I did going into the thyroidectomy. I figured for sure I would lose it since I was so not ready for this conclusion. Surely, I had figured this baby was a "gift" as we hadn't been trying this particular month, I found out on my birthday, etc, etc. After the whole thyroid thing, I mistakenly believed I was getting some light at the end of the tunnel. I figured wrong. But I digress, no tears just the sweet relief of not being aware of anything for awhile.

I woke up in recovery and heard mention that I might be admitted, though I didn't know why. I was a little crampy, but not bad at all. The reovery room was such a better experience this time for me than the thyroid surgery. I was in a room with several other women, but the nurses actually paid attention to those of us that were there, not on what their lunch plans or shopping plans were. After what seemed like a very short timem they moved me back to the room I started in, it was there I got morphine. That took the edge off considerably.

Here's what I heard from Lew, there was "a lot of placental tissue", more than suspected. It was definitaly a molar pregnancy, a one in 1,000-1200 occurence. Lucky me, I can't just have a normal miscarriage. I also lost a lot of blood, which was why she was thinking of admitting me. After countless bags of fluids and a test of my blood gas levels, or CBC count they decide to go ahead and send me home. Nearly 9 hours after we got there, I was getting released.

This is getting long, so I think I will stop here for now and pick up later. For me it's a lot to process, still, and I'll be honest I'm not ok with this at all. Yes, I have the munch and the sweet girl, and I love them beyond measure. They are my bright spots right now. They are the reason I'm not totally in a funk, they are my motivation and my strength. That being said, I loved this baby too, and I was so hopeful to have this final addition to our goofy family.

Home Again Home Again

I'm too tired to do a full update. I had my D&C yesterday, and as with anything with me lately it was anything but routine. The molar pregnancy was confirmed, now just waiting for pathology to confirm it was full or partial. It could be this week, or since my doctor is out for the holidays next week, it might not be until the first of the year. Really does it matter at this point? I lost too much blood and ended up being admitted, just got home a little while ago. I'm off for the rest of the week, I will update better later.

No New Tale to Tell

I just wanted to say thank you for the supportive comments. I appreciate them.

Nothing really new to report, just waiting. It kind of sucks, but I've been in limbo so much of this year, I should be used to it right? The other not so fun thingn is that I'm still gaggy. Nice. It was ok when I had a reason, not so ok now.

I was bad and stayed home today from church. Rather unheard of for me. Not that we had announced the pregnancy, but several people did know. Our Pastor, some close friends. It was hard to explain why the thyroid scan was suddenly stopped, and I am the world's worst liar now. The people who know, now know the latest. I especially didn't want to talk to my pastor about it for fear that I would start crying. Funny, I can come here and "talk" about things but I am far from an emotionl person IRL. I had a hard time even crying in the dr's office on Friday. By all rights I should have lost it, don't get me wrong I cried, but only very briefly there. So the last thing I wanted to do was to visit with my pastor, who knows me very well. In my single days, I used to babysit their children and was sort of an extended family member which means I couldn't snowball my way through anything. So I cheated and stayed home. Easier not to talk about it.

In effort to pick myself up a little I thought of some things I could do not pregant that I obstain from. Simple things like drink coffee, Pepsi. I can perm my hair in another couple of months. I can finish my thyroid scan and be radioactive if necessary. If I was the drinking kind I could indulge in wine or one of DH's prized Yuenglings though I will admit to being sorely tempted in that department.

I also decided to brighten up this blog a bit. Until I get out of my current funk, I apologize for the brightness and I should return to the normal subdued tones shortly.

Not Quite What I Expected

There is no way around this, so I'll just spill it. It's been a long day. I went in expecting the worst, but it turned out to be more than I was even expecting.

From the minute they started the u/s I knew, maybe I was being pessimistic, maybe mother's intuition. Then the tech had to leave midway to get a call from her daycare. We saw where a baby should be, maybe thought we saw a baby, no movement, no heartbeat. Silent tech. All I could do was look at Lew and shake my head.
If that wasn't bad enough my doctor was doing surgery, so we had to wait 45 minutes out in the waiting room, watching people come out with pictures of their baby, knowing we left without any.

When we get back in to a room, I was told she got called in for a delivery, it would be another 45 minutes. I was a little happier at least being in the room, where it was just DH and I. Where I didn't have to keep the "game face" on. Imagine how thrilled I was when we started hearing heartbeats coming through the wall. I got sent down for bloodwork while we were waiting because of "hormonal abnormalities".

Finally, my doctor comes into the room. Come to find out it's a molar pregnancy, or a suspected one at least. A very rare, flukey thing. Won't be confirmed until later though. D&C is scheduled for Tuesday. Oh, and if that's not good enough, let me mention that there is also a very small chance that the molar pregancy can morph into a different kind of carcinoma, one that if it develops can actually get into the bloodstream and move to other places. Lovely, I think I've had my fair share of cancer this year thank you very much.

Is it too much to ask for that one to stay away? Is it too much to ask for 2009 to be a better year for me health wise? I know I'm getting older, but I'm not THAT OLD.

As far as TTC again, we have to hold out on that for awhile, since molar pregnancies don't go away as quickly even after a D&C. Levels can go up and down, for a period of time. Which means that until they go down to 0, my body will still think I'm pregnant even after the D&C. Neat. All that being said, I'm sort of thinking we might be done. We've got two awesome kids that we have been blessed with. I would, love, love, love a third, but I'm not sure I could face a third loss to get there. Though I know now is not the time for making any kind of decision on that.

Sorry for the novel.

A little more calm

I have calmed down a bit since this morning. The spotting has been off and on, only when I wipe, it increased a little bit but still has tapered off again. They changed my u/s to tomorrow morning at 830. I am so scared. I should be excited, but I'm actually dreading it I am so afraid there won't be a baby tomorrow. I was told not to eat or drink anything after midnight, I suppose just in case. But certainly not encouraging words by any stretch of the imigination.

Anyway, prayers, positive thoughts, sticky vibes, whatever you've got please, please, please semd them this way.

Nervous

So I started spotting this morning. It was brown, came out of nowhere. All symptoms I had are suspiciously absent or not as noticeable. Odd since they were around yesterday. I am so afraid that this is the beginning of the end of this journey with this little one. I'm trying to remain optimistic, but add this to the fact that I was measuring behind and well you know where the mind goes.

Coming Clean

Ok, so the reason that I have been silent is because I have been paranoid/scared/worried/obsessed. The cause of my delay in the scan is a good one, I got a very nice birthday present, a positive pregnancy test. The month, no effort was put into it because of the scan. I tested only because my cycles had been weird, and I had four days of light spotting only in the morning and nothing significant really from the day before AF was due, to three days after and then nothing. I was quite happy but a little surprised.

Fast forward two weeks to my first ultrasound, I measured a week and a half behind. Which is easily explainable by a late O, and late implantation, if you go by the spotting. My doctor thinks they saw the beginning of the yolk sac. The soonest they could get me in for another ultrasound isn't until December 15. Having suffered a previous loss, it's hard not to automatically assume the worst. But believe me when I tell you, I am praying so hard, and trying to remain optimistic. I do have symptoms finally coming in, but it seems like for every thing I notice, I notice something that's not there. I try to remember that DD started slow, had a low heartbeat and had a similar wait. But the difference is that with DD I saw her and I saw her early. It was awful to look at the screen and see what I thought to be an empty sac. Obviously, they know far better than I do, so I'm trying to keep the faith. I am so hopeful that God will allow this baby to stay with us, but at the same time I am so afraid to be hopeful.

Anyway, that's the scoop. Sorry for the rambling and for the delay. Any prayers/positive thoughts for a nice healthy baby in two weeks would be greatly welcomed and appreciated.