The Best Kind to Have

Moving...

2011-02-07T10:56:00.000-06:00

The Mommy has decided to change things up, you can now find the tales of Munch, Monkey and Hockey Nerd at http://bestkindtohave.com/. Same Suz, new site.

Hard Headed?!

2011-01-13T20:58:00.000-06:00

I'm slowly getting indoctrinated into the world of elementary school. School pictures, badges, raising a reader book bag rotations, communication folders book fairs, eye exams hearing tests. Pick up, drop off, car line, walkers, before-care, after-care... All sorts of things that I don't remember from the stone ages.

Imagine my surprise when we got a hearing test referral in Mighty Munch's "communication folder". Basically, he failed his hearing test three times in his right ear, so they wanted us to take him to his pedi for a visit.

We happened to get the notice around the same time as his yearly well child visit. I told them when I scheduled that he had referred and they said they would check during his appointment. You can imagine the thoughts that were running through my head as we were leading up to the appointment. Remembering how close we were to looking at tubes when he was younger, etc, etc.

At any rate, Hockey Nerd took both Munch and Monkey to their well child visits (same day, same time). Have I mentioned how awesome he is lately? Shortly after the appointment time, I get text saying you aren't going to believe this. I'm going to call you. Dr. D thinks she knows what the problem was...

Turns out my sweet lovable munch had a ROCK.IN.HIS.EAR. Yes, you read that right. He put a rock in his ear. They were able to remove it with a water-pik. He had an ear infection in the opposite ear, so they weren't able to actually test him. But our pedi was fairly certain that was the cause of the problem.

After I got home that night I asked Munch when he put a rock in his ear. "I don't remember". Where were you when you did this? "At school, during recess." Did you tell your teacher or aide? "No." Finally, so Munch, why exactly did you put a rock in your ear? "Mommy, I just wanted to know what it felt like OK?" Very exasperated with my questions he turned away, but offered this parting shot, "and I promise that NEXT TIME I put a rock in my ear, I will let you know."

(For the record he has since been cleared from the ear infection, and has a perfect hearing test to boot. But also now has a note in his file, rock removed from ear, all clear.)

Never a dull moment.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly - 2010 edition

2011-01-02T20:32:00.000-06:00

I think I have a first this year, I think the good is actually going to outweigh the bad and the ugly. It was bound to happen right?

The good, life in general - I'm not so doom and gloom and woe is me. Thank you Zoloft. I am, and have been very blessed. I need to continue to remember that. It's not so much about the what I don't have anymore, it's the what I have that's worth celebrating.

Hello four/tens schedule. You have brought me a day during the week to get things done, to work on me, and do as little or as much done as I would like. You have provided a much needed respite from the crazy hectic pace with moderate intrusion. I have gotten a chance to know me again, the person, and not just the worker, and munch and monkey's mom.

Zumba - how I love thee...Remember me saying I am so not a group fitness person? Yes, well, I lied. I will say the instructor totally has everything to do with it. I am totally hooked.

The Mom Mobile - happy mommy, got her third row and not really a van.

Disappearing Harvey - it would not be a year end recap without mentioning the disappearing thyroid. Knocking on anything that remotely appears as wood.

The hysterectomy - what?! How could I list this as a good? It has provided closure, no more waffling, no more second guessing. It has stopped the bleeding issues, some of the moodiness, pms, bloating. I no longer have to plan things around 'that time of the month", no longer have to double up on tampons and pads. Total peace of mind. It was the right thing to do. Not to mention that since I no longer have the pressure to ttc ever again things have gotten fun again. Sorry if that's tmi but it's true.

The bad:

The mean old cyst that briefly gave me cause for concern. The scar tissue that made it look worse than what it was. Did I mention, lots and lots of scar tissue. Thank you two c-sections and a d & c.

AF - I'm not sad to see you go your last appearance was a doozy and sad to say I don't miss you at all.

Wacky thyroid levels at various points during the year. How can I tell? The appearance and disappearance of my cheekbones in pictures throughout the year. My face puffs up now when I'm off. Such a charming trait.

The Ugly:

Cancer took both a close family friend (he was mentioned back in the cancer club post almost two years ago) as well as a very sweet lady from my church, who was just a year older than myself. Both passed away during this year. Reminding me yet again, how fortunate I have been. I may be a whiner and complainer but I know my journey has been/was in retrospect not so bad. I am here.

Toddler attitude. Oh my and from what I'm seeing from the start of the monkey's three this is going to be a big one in the next year as well. Yuck, yuck, yuck and yuck. Whomever took my sweet, good natured children, please return them and take the two that do not listen or do what's expected of them, will you please return them? Thank you so much.

Wishing everyone a very wonderful 2011.

A Little Elfin Magic

2010-12-29T07:33:00.000-06:00

Several years ago we received the Elf on a Shelf as a Christmas gift from my younger sister. The premise of which is that every year we have an elf come visit us shortly after Thanksgiving and he leaves us on Christmas Eve. The rules are simple, the elf goes nightly to report Santa the behavior of the day and then comes back prior to wake up call. Children can not touch the elf because if they do he will lose his ability to go to the North Pole. Children can talk to the elf, but he can only communicate with the adults.

Admittedly, it's bribery on the grandest scale. The Santa threat, and yes even as a Christian household we do recognize Santa. But it's great fun for me to try and top where I put the elf every night. Especially now that both the munch and monkey are active participants in trying to find him. It's been even better as Lewie's teacher has an elf in his classroom too, so he really recognizes the rules. I will also admit, knowing my two as I do, that I tend not to tempt fate and put our elf up out of reach. Though one night with George (George Foofa Prime is the full elf name - George from George of the Jungle, Foofa - the monkey's contribution from Yo Gabba Gabba, and of course Prime as in Optimus - any guesses where that came from?) perched high on our Christmas the munch asked me what would happen if he "accidentally" bumped into the tree and George came flying down. Think he was plotting?

We've spun two other traditions off of George, one is a special gift from George to Evie and Lewie in their stockings. He happened to visit Evie's stocking on 12/23 and Lewie on 12/24. Then a special gift from Santa for taking such good care of George. This year the special gift was a Veggie Tales Nativity Set.

Who knew a little plastic elf would be so much fun.

Sweet Monkey: Three going on 30

2010-12-24T07:05:00.000-06:00

Can you tell I've returned to work? I can not believe I am so delayed in this post. November and December are the craziest months for this family three birthdays (mine, the munch, the monkey) and three holidays plus throw in an impromptu weekend trip and I will need a vacation when I get my vacation allotment in January.

So without further justification, here it is my happy birthday sweet girl. Happy Third Birthday, we are so glad you are with us.

I always feel like I don't do her justice in words. She's hard to capture this way, a walking contradiction, the sweetest, yet unfortunately sassiest little girl I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. She snuggles and gives kisses one minute telling me I'm the "bestest mommy ever" followed quickly by telling her daddy that she wants to sell me. Really?! Already?

She is without a doubt the silliest member of this family, and if you know anything about us at all, you'd know that's quite a feat. She loves to laugh and is very much a free spirit. She's artistic, thank you Grandpa Art. I know you are smiling about that. She can color for hours, days on end. Her big kick right now is painting, with water, no paint and then letting it dry. We have made several "art books" roughly translated as pages of her various pictures, three whole punched and tied with ribbon. She loves to sing and dance and has just started playing "ballet".

Sweet Monkey is a no-nonsense little girl, generally she calls it like she sees it, which while it's a good trait to have, has caused some awkward moments. I joked last night when someone asked her if she was comfortable in her car seat (her answer was no), that I often think that she has the soul of a 101 year old, cantankerous and speaks her mind.

She loves her brother more than words can express, an attribute as her big brother he readily takes advantage of on a daily basis, despite the fact that she can mow him down.

She has her daddy totally wrapped around her finger and has also figured out how to flirt, whether it is the party host at Chuck E Cheese (never have I seen her have someone pick her up so often with a bat of her eyelashes) or Santa. Hockey nerd is already lining up his friends as back up once we enter the dating phase..

My sweet girl, I have heard is a mini-me, which while I see a lot of my less endearing traits in her(quick temper, strong will, independent), and a very striking resemblance even now. I don't think I'm nearly as much fun. Though I will say she and I have quite a bit of fun together, she has brought out my inner silly I pray on a daily basis that she is smarter and wiser than her mommy and makes wise choices earlier on.

She loves books, I think she is going to be my reader. I can not wait to introduce to Beezus & Ramona, Harriett the Spy and all of my childhood favorites. Already indoctrinated in Seuss and her personal favorite right now, Sandra Boynton.

My favorite, favorite, most amazing thing I can say about Evie Mae is that she is quite comfortable in her own skin. She loves herself and is very confident in her ability to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. It's taken me 40 some odd years to start getting to this point. I hope that her life treats her kindly and that this a trait she will never lose...She can go a long way in this world, she just has to maintain the ability to love and believe in herself.

So all of that being said, my sweet, silly, monkey, I love you all the way to the moon and back. I thank God for you (and your bubba, and your daddy) daily. Happy 3rd Birthday my sweet girl. My have you grown.

Oh Happy Day!

2010-11-18T17:27:00.000-06:00

Five years ago today, I was given this tremendous gift

This would be the munch several hours after his birth. All 8 pounds 11 ounces of him. I fell in love instantly with the chunky, wrinkly little old man, new baby-ness that was my munch on his birthday.

Today we have celebrated by the monkey and I waking him up and singing happy birthday. Making him birthday treats to actually be able to bring to school. Thank you hysterectomy. His snack request? Brownies with blue frosting and sprinkles, go figure. Next up pizza, cake and presents with his Grammy and PawPaw.

I am so lucky to be his Mommy.

Happy 5th Birthday Munch. I love you all the way to the moon and back.

Surgery as arts & crafts

2010-11-16T09:11:00.000-06:00

One of these days I'll remember to watch what I am saying in front of little ears, but I thought this was pretty cute. Probably biased though. I was talking to hockey nerd about the glue from my incisions finally starting to go away. Not thinking anything about saying this in front of the munch and the monkey, they both have been oddly curious about mommy's owie, so it's not been a big deal.

My sweet munch said "Mommy you have glue on your owie?" I replied yes that they used glue to keep it closed. "Oh, wow Mommy. I'll be right back." Only to return a few minutes later with this:

"Mommy, we have glue will this help?" Aww, I love my sweet boy.

Swinging

2010-11-14T23:12:00.000-06:00

The mood swings have begun. Not a fan. Not all that different from pregnant mood swings. They come on quick and leave just as quickly. I guess the end justifies the means.

My favorite by far has been crying while watching Willow Smith sing on Ellen. Not that she was bad, not really sure why. Just seemed appropriate at the time. I've cried watching the monkey sing a Yo Gabba Gabba song. I will be more than glad for the swings to level off just a bit. I'm sure hockey nerd will be too.

I had my two week follow up last week where I completely forgot to ask her about the mood swings. I did find out the ovarian cyst was benign, but was the type of cyst that would not have gone away on its own. Benign is always a happy word in my house.

I also found out that I had developed endometriosis and a few other things that combined led to the heavy bleeding, cramping issues. A nice little laundry list that confirmed that I did in fact do the right thing by going the hysterectomy route. That it wasn't just me getting tired of dealing with my issues. The cyst was only part of the problem.

Despite the few setbacks that I have had here and there, and armed with the new information from my appointment; it's nice to know it was the right option. Even better that I was and am truly prepared for it

Lovey on the Rocks

2010-11-11T09:22:00.004-06:00

I have mentioned in the past my Monkey's bunny. Her best friend, her comforter, her security blanket. The well loved blanket/bunny head that pretty much has been attached to monkey's side since well, birth.

I am very sad to report that the lovey is getting phased out. It started happening so subtly, at Sunday School drop off Sunday morning she willingly surrendered her bunny and her paci. Yes, she still has a paci at least for another few weeks.

Her grammy decided bunny needed a bath one morning, so she sent her off to school with a teddy bear instead of her bunny and my sweet girl functioned just fine. Apparently removing a ute and an ovary is an instant hall pass to not having to do laundry for the next four to six weeks. Score!

At Wednesday night church drop off she put bunny in her backpack outside her classroom. Her teacher even was impressed.

This morning, she wanted to leave bunny at home, but then decided she would take her to school just in case in her backpack.

The writing is on the wall, the bunny is getting ready to be history.

The mama is not so happy about that. Just because she's three (almost) doesn't mean she gets to go big girl on me yet. Even if she is starting to look like one.

The short story

2010-10-29T17:37:00.003-05:00

Hysterectomy is done. No complications, though it took longer than anticipated due to scar tissue. We were able to do it laparoscopically which is an even better bonus. My left ovary and tube are gone as well as my uterus. My doctor thinks the cyst appeared/presented the way that it did due to the scar tissue that was throughout the tube and ovary. I'm assuming since I have not heard anything back that was all that it entailed.

I had a pleasant experience, one nurse was even holding my hand before I went under. Little things like that can make an anxious thing bearable. I was fortunate enough to get a private room on the pediatric floor. Much better than what I was anticipating.

I've been mostly sleeping and might I add having rather trippy dreams. That may be it's own entry. I'm nauseous a lot but not in too much pain, or I'm staying on top of it. Three lovely new scars that I won't display as proudly as my thyroid scar. I can hear the collective sigh of relief now.

Bottom line, I feel good about the decision, no internal turmoil. Just peace and closure. It's finally nice to have that.

Thanks for the thoughts and well wishes that have been sent.

So long, Farewell...

2010-10-21T11:07:00.003-05:00

Auf Wiedersehen, good bye..."

I'm glad to (have these)go, I cannot tell a lie. Good bye"

Probably the best thing ever about the hysterectomy. No more AF. I told hockey nerd, that in about four months we'll have my hospital co-pay more than covered. (OK, maybe a slight exaggeration)

Giving Consent

2010-10-19T17:39:00.002-05:00

Today was my pre-op appointment. I visited with my doctor prior to the appointment and we just went over everything again, she asked if we had any new questions. Nothing ground breaking there.

From there I went to the hospital where I filled out a lot about my medical history. What used to take me no time at all has gotten so conviluted that I probably need to start bringing dates and times with me. Chemo? Check. Cancer, check. Radio Active Iodine, done that. Add on two c-sections a total thyroidectomy and a d&c and I'm good to go. I did sort of chuckle when the pre-admitting nurse said, "Wow, 2008 was not a very good year for you at all." I just laughed and said "not at all".

Then it came time for me to sign all the paperwork. The hardest thing for me was to see the Consent for Sterilization form. I realize that a hysterectomy is doing just that but to see that in those words, and to hear the nurse say "this will in fact make you sterile" it was a bit overwhelming. I'm not sure why. I did still sign the form, I didn't even waver. But it temporarily threw me to think of myself as sterile. Guess I'm being a little slow on the draw.

At any rate, I'm all set. I go in on Monday at 530a, which means I have to leave here around 415 or 430. Not sure the exact surgery time though. Whew.

Just call me soccer mom

2010-10-17T18:37:00.004-05:00

Don't ask me how, but it's happened. I have become a soccer mom and even have the new(to me)vehicle to prove it. Never, ever, in a million, trillion years did I imagine myself to be a soccer mom. The former band girl in me used to sneer at soccer moms. Funny what 13 years can do to a person.

Munch is playing soccer, though I use playing lightly. He is more interested in running around being Iron Man than he is in kicking the ball. But that's ok hopefully he'll get it and if not we'll try something else.

To complete this never imagined picture, I got a newish vehicle. My main objective was I wanted a third row. I had a few things that were luxuries that I wanted (heated seats, dvd players, etc) but in the end I went with a newer model year with the third row. It's not quite a mini-van, not quite a station wagon. It's a Mazda5 and thus far I absolutely love it. I will also say that this is the first car of my three cars (not counting the jeep)that I have gotten to pick out and get most of the things that I wanted. It's pretty cool.

Hockey nerd is appropriately horrified and will not drive it, but that's ok. It's MY car. I sort of like that he doesn't like it.

So here it is my soccer mom mobile, you can see the munch in his soccer playing glory on the side bar.

I have to add now I am absolutely thrilled to be a soccer mom. Maybe I was just envious in the past. There is nothing better than cheering on your child while he runs in circles shouting "I am Iron Man" while paying no attention to the ball. I love my life.

The Big H

2010-10-08T19:21:00.004-05:00

I've been quiet, which usually means I have too much going on in my mind to even dump here. I mentioned several months back about getting ready to have an ablation once my doctor got back from maternity leave. Well, the predeccesor to that was an ultrasound to check and make sure everything was ok. Would it surprise you to know that it wasn't too terrbily normal?

I found out about a month and a half ago that there was a cyst on my left ovary. Of course by that point the ultrasound was a couple months old. My doctor wanted me to repeat the ultrasound to see if it resolved. It hadn't. It increased in size a little and the shape changed with a nodule in the center.

I had my sit down with my doctor today and it was determined that the cyst had to come out, if not the ovary too. Since I was going to be under anyway we decided to go ahead and do the hysterectomy.

For now I'm ok with it, I have a couple of weeks to process it but now I'm just relieved to have an answer, to know that I would definitively be done.

I've got two weeks to obsess about it, so I'm sure the ramifications will hit me sooner rather than later. In the meantime, good thoughts are always appreciated.

How I spent my Summer Vacation

2010-09-23T11:31:00.007-05:00

Also known as a cheesy photo recap. I am just now bouncing back from a week long visit from my sister-in-law and her fiancee. Trying to rediscover whatever groove I've had.

My goal for this summer was simple: go out, get dirty and have fun. Which we did, or at least did before the 115+ degrees arrived. Then we added get wet to the mix. Have I mentioned the one thing I dislike about the whole no thyroid thing is that I can't tolerate heat anymore? Have I mentioned that it kind of stinks? I hate to be cold, hate, hate, hate to be cold. Now I hate to be hot because I sweat and I am not a pretty sweaty girl by any strench of the imagination. Oh well, it is what it is and I am very grateful to be here thyroid-less and all.

Without further adieu, the summer in review.

Monkey Learned to use the blower:

Munch learned to change a tire:

The pool:

All of this equals one happy family:

Check Your Neck (Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month)

2010-09-09T12:09:00.003-05:00

Did you know September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month? Most people don't. I didn't know until over two years ago. When Papillary Carcinoma rudely entered my world.

If you've known me for awhile, you know I'm not big on the whole "I'm a cancer survivor" proclamations. Often feel really silly saying that. But the fact of the matter is that whether I recognize it or not, I am a Cancer Survivor.

I have grumped a lot through my journey, have even gone so far as to give my pesky thyroid a name, Harvey. Named after the rabbit in the movie/play by the same name, mostly invisible to all but one. Harvey and I have had a love hate relationship, but I'm hoping to find out next month that all traces of Harvey are gone.

My story started out simple enough, I went to my primary care physician when Munch was six months old for a sinus infection. My pcp was thorough enough that she just happened to check my thyroid and noticed it was enlarged. This led to my first round of blood work, yes I was a blood work novice at one point. That came back funky so they ran the full panel, TSH, free T3 and free T4. That still was off. I was sent for an ultrasound. Let me tell you, if you haven't had a thyroid ultrasound your missing out. That revealed a nodule. I was then sent on to my saint of an endocrinologist (she's had to put up with me for four years, I think that qualifies for saint hood - hockey nerd would agree I'm sure.

The endocrinologist then ordered yet another thyroid panel and I had my first fine needle biopsy. I was worried and probably not surprisingly a bit dramatic about the whole ordeal. That one came back good. I sighed a huge sigh of relief and went about my merry way. I have ordered blood work every six months, just to make sure all was well. But at this point no synthroid.

Fast forward to a couple of months after sweet monkey was born and I have my next appointment with my endocrinologist. She advises me that the nodule has enlarged and just wants to check it out. Another panel, another ultrasound, and yet another biopsy. This one came back suspicious. The next week I was meeting with the surgeon, and the week after that I became scarred for life. My total thyroidectomy. I was so worked about that stinking scar in the early day. Though now I realize it's a testament. About two days after my thyroid was removed I found it, that it was indeed cancer. Papillary Carcinoma to be exact. It was oddly anti-climatic when I found out. There were two spots on my thyroid in various sizes.

What is the important part of this story? My primary care physician was the one who noticed something out of whack. She did a thyroid check at every appointment, though admittedly until there was an issue I didn't know that's what it was.

My thyroid journey began two years before my actual thyroid cancer diagnosis. But early detection and great doctors were the key for me. If your primary care doctor doesn't check your thyroid on a regular basis, please have them do it.

For mmore information on Thyroid Cancer and to get some facts, click here

I've often joked about a memorial tattoo for my thyroid cancer (and miscarriage) journey. I will say I'm about the closest that I have been to actually doing it. I had wanted to do the radioactive symbol flanked by wings (to represent my two losses over the years). But I kind of am digging on this image I found.

Be aware, be proactive and check your neck.

First Day

2010-08-14T11:13:00.006-05:00

Another momentous occasion has happened at our little house. My Munch started school. How did this happen? How is it possible that I am now the mother of a school aged child? Oh yeah, years have gone by, almost five to be exact. But to paraphrase my sweet hockey nerds facebook status, "how is it possible when we just brought him home yesterday." Have I mentioned that I love that man?

Oddly enough, I did not cry once during this past week. Not at the open house where we found out his teacher, not as he got dressed the next morning and put his name necklace on and put on his backpack. Especially not while walking him down the hall to his new classroom nor did I cry when we left him with a bunch of people he didn't know. Trusting that he would have a good time and just love, love, being there. Hoping that his genuine enthusiasm and excitement for going to big school, would carry over and that he wouldn't be disappointed. I will admit that I got teary as we walked to the car, and ok, maybe I'm getting a little choked up thinking about it now. But I was not the bawling mama that I thought I would be.

I want him to learn, I want him to be excited to learn. I want him to be well behaved. I want his teacher to be wowed by his brilliance. I want him to be liked. I want to be super mom, work full time, volunteer in his class. Pretend to be the June Cleaver mom that I never thought I would or could or wanted to be. Probably the same things most mothers hope for when their children head off to the big unknown of big school.

So far it's been a learning curve for all of us, didn't expect that one. Though I will say I've got the easier part of the day, the drop off in the morning. Hockey nerd gets the pick up and the waiting in the car line for 45 minutes. Munch has already had to sit in the "red chair" for not being quiet. He also has been relatively tight lipped about what his days consist of at big school. The only thing he has said was that he had to sit in the red chair and that Elmo appeared in his art class yesterday.

Sweet Monkey has had her adjustments too, she has never known life without Munch around. Now she's getting one on one attention and as much as she misses bubba, she is having a blast.

He's come such a long way, and I already see the munch turning into a big boy right in front of my eyes. Who knew the first days would be so mesmerizing and tough and wondrous all at one time.

Since I'm on a retrospective kick thought I'd close up with a couple of pictures. The munch on his very first day in the world and the super excited munch waiting outside the door of his class room for his very first day in big school.

The Me Project Update

2010-08-10T20:56:00.002-05:00

Well, here I am almost a month after I decide to work on me a little bit. I decided now would be a good time to do a brief update.

How am I spending my Thursdays? Mainly doing laundry right now. I've worked on decorating our newly painted bedroom and just spent a lot of quiet time. No tv, no noise. I have forgotten how much I like being with me and with my thoughts. Scary I know.

Running? Haven't started. It's too stinkin' hot. Just to give you an idea I got in my car at 2p and it was 118 degrees in my car. Trying to run, right now no thank you.

Volunteering? Did it. I signed up today to be a volunteer in Lewie's class on Thursdays and then I volunteered to help with their fall party. Watch out PTO here I come.

Zumba? I can not put into words how much I adore Zumba. My obsession with it almost is surpassing my obsession with cupcakes. I figure one can counteract the other right? I absolutely love Zumba. I am hooked. Any reservations I have had were gone. I sweat off a toddler two nights a week and I can comfortably say in less than four weeks I can see things firming back up. Even my sweet, sweet, hockey nerd told me that my booty has lifted up a little and gotten firmer. WOOHOO.

I am actually quite proud of myself. I may not be doing as much as I have planned, but all in all I have been semi productive. Yay me!

I won! I won!

2010-07-31T18:08:00.003-05:00

A little slow on the draw as I received my Georgetown Cupcakes over a week ago. They were yummy and could well take my cupcake obsession to a whole new level if that is remotely possible. I started planning to order for some other cupcake places that ship. You know for research purposes. I even shared.

My favorite was a chocolate with ganche, followed by peanut butter buttercream icing and a molten chocolate center. They did get a little mushed in the delivery, but I think that mainly has to do with the fact that the delivery driver was carrying the box on its side. Have I mentioned they were yummy?

And for good measure...

Celebrating what is...

2010-07-30T21:25:00.003-05:00

I haven't had a lot to say lately. It's funny, when thngs are not hunky-dory this is my solace. When things are maybe close to being hunky-dory (knocking on wood as I type) I am not as tortured. I feel silly sharing trivial things like potty training, kiddie park, getting rid of baby things, waxing poetic on cupcakes.

But I will say this, I spent the larger part of two years mourning what wasn't, what I didn't have, what didn't work to my plan. I'm sure you could quote it back to me. The thought ocurred to me this morning, the other part of why I haven't been as well, vocal. I have been celebrating what is...not mourning what is not.

I have been playing with the munch and the monkey, I have been outside more than I have been since I was young. Our swingset, the pool, oue hammock. Planting, weeding and watering. Having cheesesteak parties with friends. Zumba'ing twice a week. Spending time with friends having coffee, getting pedicures. Reading story after story after story to a very captive (and captivated) audience.

I suppose I've moved past the mourning stage and full on embracing all that I have. Munch and Monkey are only going to be this little once, this much fun, this open to spending all day everyday with this goofball mommy. I am making the most of it now. Not regretting it later. Sommetimes you truly can't see the forest for the treez.

I've had an awesome summer vacation and feel so totally blessed with what is...

I did it all for the cupcakes

2010-07-14T20:44:00.002-05:00

I find it slightly humorous that after I start discussing losing weight and improving body image that it is followed by this post. For those of you who have been around me awhile know my main weakness, cupcakes.

My favorite, favorite photographer Emily Potts just received her Certified Professional Photographer designation. It's a tremendously huge deal. So to celebrate she is doing a giveaway involving, you guessed it, cupcakes.

She is an amazing photographer, took my monkeys amazing, one year pictures including a gorgeous tutu picture. She is also the mastermind behind my profile picture. I am looking forward to getting new family pictures from her very shortly. She also was so sweet and brought us some yummy food during my chemo days.

So without further adieu my blog line (which will hopefully bring yummy cupcakes my way):
It's a celebration at www.emilypotts.typepad.com! Emily earned her CPP and is giving away a dozen Georgetown cupcakes!

If you happen to go check out her site, go to archives, click more and then click on December 2008. Check out her entry for December 06, entitled Adorable. There is a might cute little girl in those pictures.

Thanks for indulging me.

The Me Project

2010-07-08T12:40:00.002-05:00

I have been presented with a unique work opportunity. My group just recently switched to four/tens. Meaning I will now work four days a week, ten hours a day and have one weekday off. In the interest of fairness, our supervisor had someone not in our group draw names while we stood there and watched. What day did I luck out with you might ask? Be prepared to be jealous, Thursday. Really, Thursday?!?! Ah well, in six months I'll have Monday off which is immensely more appealing.

I have decided at least part of my day off will be a little "me" work. I've gotten a bit lost. I've gotten complacent, I've gotten lazy.

Ideally this is what I'm thinking about, I want to challenge myself. I want to broaden my horizons. I need to leave my comfort zone.

My goals:
To lose a few more points and firm up what's left. I'm having some serious body image issues. From what I'm being told they are in my head. But I'm the one who has to look at me everyday and I have to be happy with what I see. To do this I plan on trying Zumba, I am so not a group fitness person, but this looks fun. I'm also thinking about couch to 5k, I used to be on a track team back in the day. I must have liked running at some point. This seems better suited to me, I don't have to worry about looking stupid, and I have time to think and just be.

I need to start doing more things with groups, see the Zumba comment. I need to start stepping out and trying to make friends instead of waiting for someone to befriend me. It takes a lot for me to trust people. I need to put myself out there more. Who knows what I'm missing because I'm afraid to take chances. Outside of play dates, I am planning on volunteering in Munch's pre-kindergarten class in the fall, maybe even joining the PTO. I have already volunteered at Monkey's school. I talked to the director about it today.

I plan on using the day to be "Suzi homemaker". Do a nice meal for everyone, have the house clean, do all the goofy decorating projects I have in my head. Do all the things around the house that I would like to do but don't usually have the time.

I also am planning to have friend time, pedicure time, wandering aimlessly time.

I'm hoping to stick to this and I'm also hoping that by putting this out there, I'll now have some sort of accountability. Some added motivation to spend some time with me again.

Revelations from my front yard

2010-06-19T21:36:00.003-05:00

Hockey nerd and I have lived in our house for six years. This house was actually being built when we were engaged and planning our wedding we closed one month from our wedding date. Not recommended by the way.

We never did much initially for various reasons, with the obvious exception of Munch and Monkey's rooms. Because really, what newborn wants to sleep in a room that hasn't been made into their own space. Now we're playing catch up. We are slowly, slowly working through the house room by room.

One thing we have never done was landscaping. I figured it was about time. So after talking about it for several weeks/months. We started planning. Rather I started planning. I researched, I asked friends, I obsessively stalked Lowe's. Plotting it out in my head. I may have mentioned this before, planning is great for me. My execution, despite my perfectionist tendencies, sometimes is lacking.

Today, my friends, was the day. Started out super hot, ended up super hot. We aren't done but I am quite pleased with where we ended.

So this leads me to my revelations from today:

I am a big doofus for waiting until mid June in Oklahoma to start working on landscaping. It was over 100 most of the day. Not smart.
Vanity goes out the window when you are literally dripping sweat onto the ground you are working on.
Said vanity gets knocked down a little more after you realize you have no shorts. Then your sweet husband offers you a pair of his and they fit. Not well but they weren't falling down either.
I can "turn the earth" with the best of them.
I conquered two fears today, don't judge, frogs and worm larvae. Though the worm larvae thing was a new one for me today. Frogs have always spooked me, go figure.
Hockey nerd is an incredibly good sport and puts up with my mad schemes.
Munch and Monkey are exceptionally good sports and had more fun playing in dirt and yuck than you would think. They are also extraordinary helpers.
Did I mention I'm a big doofus for waiting this long and it was HOT? Yes? Ok, just wanted to make sure that point was made.

So without further ado I will end this with a few pictures from the not quite completed project.

If you were here you would have heard the big triumphant cry "I did it!"

The Munch busying himself with sod, I think he was playing with a clone trooper.

We're on the Road to Nowhere...

2010-06-16T20:55:00.002-05:00

Come on inside...

It has hit me over the past several weeks that there is a normalcy that has developed. I can't say that it's new because I'm not sure there was an old normal.

In the six years since we've gotten married it's been, boom, boom, boom. Lewie was born, first miscarriage, Evie was born, thyroid cancer, second miscarriage, CAT Scans, chemo, Radioactive Iodine treatments, etc, etc.

It seems like now we're getting a chance to breathe, to settle in, to become, well us. Of course now that I say that, I've probably jinxed something somewhere. If anyone is reading this please knock on some wood for me.

I have these odd moments of so this is my life, so this is what it's like to make a house a home, this is what it's like to be a wife, and mommy. I'm realizing that maybe the big evil work outside of the home stigma isn't all that bad either.

It's very surreal to me at times, just how normal things seem. It's like right but not right at the same time. There is a sunnier hue but maybe with some shadows still.

I always thought there would be definitive places in my life, and I'm learning it's not always so planned out. I am on my road, and eventually I'll get to the end and think "Ok, that makes sense now".

But for now I'm just on the road and definitely enjoying this ride.

Two years

2010-06-02T21:31:00.002-05:00

It was two years ago today that I underwent my total thyroidectomy. I can remember it so well, from leaving my two and a half year old and my six month old with my parents. Getting caught in traffic from two separate car accidents and arriving to the hospital 45 minutes late.

My utter panic at the thought of the surgery, the thought of my neck being cut, having a scar, the unknown possibility of cancer. I can remember being scared beyond belief being wheeled back to the operating room. I remember the anesthesiologist talking to me and me crying and feeling like a total idiot for bawling like a baby. Then sleep, sweet sleep.

I remember waking up in the recovery room and listening to the nurses talk about their lunch plans and going shopping nearby. I remember getting pain medicine while back there. I remember the humiliation of having to go to the bathroom and having to interrupt my nurses conversation to tell her in what voice I had at the time that I had to go. I remember feeling like a child having her help me and the bed pan. I can remember being wheeled through the halls of the hospital afraid that everyone would see my underwear because the nurse didn't bother to help me get straightened back out.

I can remember Lew being there shortly after I got in my room, I remember him leaving to go get the munch and the monkey and take them home. I remember feeling scared and alone. At the time that was the most traumatic thing in my life. I had been fortunate. I remember walking to the bathroom sometime later and not looking at myself in the mirror, it would be several days for that.

I can remember being afraid of scaring my sweet kiddos with the incision and then later the scar.

I remember it all. I remember nothing. I remember a lot has happened in two years. I'm a lot stronger. A lot more comfortable with who I am and what it took me to get there. I will always remember. My scar has become as much a part of me as any thing.

Two years ago today, I started on this path that I'm currently on. This path I will continue to tread. I am thankful for so much, and I am so thankful that I have/had "the best kind"of cancer to have. It has made me a survivor.

Staring it Down

2010-05-24T20:34:00.002-05:00

I have decided my body is not my friend anymore, or at least certain parts of me have not gotten the cooperation memo. I'm big on cooperation, I wouldn't be able to get through the first two hours of my morning without cooperation. Usually to get that cooperation I have to resort to bribery. Unfortunately, with my body bribery doesn't work.

I'm veering into tmi territory, so be forewarned. Since my d&c almost two years ago, my cycles have not cooperated with me, in fact I would say they are thumbing their nose at me...If they had a nose that is. To not be graphic, if I'm lucky I have one week a month without the appearance of AF or spotting. Fun times.

Initially the idea was birth control to regulate. Regulate ha! It turned me crazy, moody, migraines. Birth control made my pregnant self seem like Mary Sunshine. It was insane, or at least I felt like I was going that way. After making it to my almost year mark, I decided enough was enough and stopped taking birth control. Alas, my ten months of hormonal fun was all in vain because it has become painfully obvious that nothing has changed.

Maybe it's my age, but my cycles have gotten confused. Needless to say it makes me so much fun to be around three weeks out of the month. PMS for one week is tolerable, three weeks is maybe over staying it's welcome.

Enter endometrial ablation. I can almost hear trumpets and horns as I bring this up. No hysterectomy, a short, short recovery time. No major surgery and the promise of lesser or no bleeding. Can I get a big woohoo!!!!

The significance of this is that it truly brings to a close my child bearing years. It was ironic that when my doctor brought up last year I was still wanting to have another child. I looked her square in the eye and said I'm done. I finally mean it too. Though quite honestly, this is good for me to have this done, it effectively removes any doubt (as will hockey nerds vasectomy) that our hat trick turned out to be an unrealized dream. As long as I had semi-working female parts there would have always been that lingering call of just one more.

But now the players are gone, the nets are up and the Zamboni is now on the ice. So if you'll excuse me, I'm off for a Yuengling and some play-off hockey.

Mommy Got Broccoli

2010-05-13T21:29:00.002-05:00

My monkey while teething is a drooling monster, couple that with her love of food and it results in a messy neck area. Probably like most toddlers, she is not overly fond of having her neck cleaned, especially the rolls.

The challenge for me has been to figure out ways to do it without causing a major temper tantrum. So I tried humor and diversion. Imagine my surprise when it worked. After every meal, first thing in the morning and last thing at night Monkey and I play this silly game. It goes something like this, "What do you have growing tonight? Broccoli, Corn or Potatoes". Usually her answer is broccoli or potatoes. She giggles then I can wipe her down. That's normally the end.

Up until a few days ago. My girl and I were hanging out and reading and she looked up at me and said "Mommy, got broccoli." I started laughing and said, "No, ma'am, no broccoli." "Yes, Mommy got broccoli in neck" and her sweet little finger started tracing my scar from my thyroidectomy. I replied that yes, she was right I do have broccoli. "Mommy need to wash neck" I just laughed and that was the end of it.

It's funny, I've almost forgotten about the scar. I've come along way in almost two years. Somehow, it's morphed into part of me, part of who I am and where I have been. I never thought I would be accepting of it but here I am. I've had that scar since before my Monkey probably even remembers and the Munch probably doesn't remember me not ever having the scar.

Even a year ago, this innocent exchange would have thrown me into a tailspin. Now, while it was sort of bittersweet, I can now wear my scar with pride and admit that yes, "Mommy, got broccoli".

The End of an Era

2010-04-29T20:33:00.002-05:00

Cue sad music and pause briefly for a moment of silence.

Tonight we are entering uncharted water, my sweet monkey is going to bed without a diaper, without a pull up. She is going to bed in "big girl panties". Yes, that's actually what she calls them.

The significance of this? The simple answer is no more diapers. The complicated answer is no more diapers.

It's a double edged sword. On one hand I'm excited to be done with my diaper changing days. The other is that bittersweet melancholy that brings the realization that no more diapers means no more babies. So truly it is the end of an era.

I am now a mommy to an awesome toddler, and an incredible preschooler. The preschooler who will soon be graduating from preschool and heading off to pre-k.

So while it's the end of one phase of my life, it is the beginning of a new and exciting one. I can not wait to see what the future brings our way.

Bye Bye, stinky diapers! Hello my big girl!

One of Life's Great Mysteries

2010-04-19T07:50:00.002-05:00

I have mentioned in the past that the hockey nerd is imparting his love of all things Spiderman, Transformers and Star Wars (to name a few) onto the munch. Munch is his daddy's mini-me so it's not totally surprising that he absorbs his daddy's wisdom and insight like a sponge. He can spew out so many facts at age four about Spidey's foes that it's mind boggling.

Lately, my sweet boy has been pondering a very serious issue in the nerd realm. Who is DarthVader. He has been asking his Jedi Master Hockey Nerd, on a fairly regular basis. To which Hockey Nerd the wise usually responds, "Not yet. We will talk about it later."

You see the young Padawan Munch, adores Anakin Skywalker. Anakin ranks right up there with Spidey in his hero lexicon. So his Daddy has decided to spare him the pain of the reveal that Anakin turns to the dark side and becomes Darth Vader.

Imagine our surprise on Saturday when Munch announced, "Daddy, I know who Darth Vader is...It's Anakin." After recovering from shock we asked how he figured it out. He brought out one of his Daddy's prized toys and said see here on this box, it shows Anakin turning to Darth Vader. No denying that one.

My poor sweet hockey nerd told me later, it broke his "heart a little bit" that his young padawan now knows the truth. It was a bittersweet day more so for the hockey nerd than the munch. Though it now is leaading to some even deeper truths, why did he turn bad? What happened to Darth Vader's head? Maybe those reveals will happen when the Munch is a wee bit older.

The Cupcake Obsession Continues

2010-04-17T21:11:00.003-05:00

It started out with this...

Then imagine my surprise when I saw this

Just to be funny, I picked up a bottle, and the joke was on me. It actually was pretty good. Let me tell you together it's usually a fairly good combination and makes for one happy Mommy.

Is there such a thing as too much cupcake related things in one persons life? If so I might be pretty close to it.

"I tell you Hi"

2010-04-16T18:22:00.003-05:00

Ah, spring. One of my favorite seasons when my allergies aren't knocking me down. The return of the sun, of green, of time outdoors. For the munch and the monkey it's the beginning of wonder this year. Big fat worms crawling around, rollie pollies, tons of birds. All magically reappearing.

A new morning ritual is to greet the birds as we get out of the car in the mornings during the exchange from me to my parents prior to the daycare drop off. My parents yard is usually good for a couple of robins, sometimes bunnies, and even a possum or two

This morning we were all a little slow moving. I only woke up thirty minutes prior to departure time. Needless to say we flew getting ready. All three of us tend to be slow waker uppers. The conversation was a little less chatty in the car in comparison. As we pull into the drive way and start getting out of the car the birds greet us. Both M&M start talking to the birds. Munch is interested in whether they have had juicy worms for breakfast and talking about the baby birds. My monkey is greeting each bird she sees. One in particular sits across the street and she has focused her sights on this particular bird. "Hi, Hi, Hi, good morning bird", meanwhile I am discussing a potential change looming on my horizon with my mom. In the background I can hear Monkey getting louder, so I stop talking and what did I hear? "I tell you hi bird, I tell you hi." She was irritated because the bird didn't say hi back. Apparently, this bird was lacking in the bird etiquette department. I quickly explained the bird was saying hi back, he just spoke differently than we do. She accepted that and went on her way. It's good to be a two year old.

Resolutions

2010-03-23T18:10:00.003-05:00

Not the New Years kind, the resolutions of various things I have had on my mind lately. So this may be a little disjointed. I have had a lot I wanted to say but couldn't come up with the right words. So where am I at today? Still in the same boat, but figured I could do a brief catch up on where my head is at now.

The waffling is done, it was a brief, but mad moment. Ended by a migraine that had been happening every Tuesday after taking my patch off for the month. I finally decided to stop birth control after a particularly nasty migraine sidelined me for a day that involved both a shot of a nubain and a trip to the ER later that night. I have had a particularly bad time with birth control this time around. Mood swings, irregular bleeding, migraines. I could go on but I think you get the idea. So I stopped birth control which led to a 16 day period. Now, I'm on the count down to being three weeks late, with two BFN's and no sign of AF. I was asked to give it another month, to see if I regulate then we will go from there. The countdown is on to decision day, will it be me or my wonderful hockey nerd who will end up "getting fixed"? Any guesses?

I also had the great pleasure of running into a friend of mine recently that I haven't seen in several months. She is someone who has been blessed with multiple children. I have not been a very good friend to her as I was jealous for a long time of her last pregnancy that was announced shortly after I ended chemo. After visiting with her for awhile, I realized something about jealousy. I need to remember that things on the surface are not always as they seem, and while someone may have something I think I want it most likely is not without a cost. Maybe just maybe, that person might think I have something they have wanted. So I guess it's a grass is always greener thing.

Lastly, I finally had my meeting with my endocrinologist as a follow up from my last RAI treatment, in um October. Levels are great no adjustment to my synthroid and thyrogloblin levels are going down. Both of which are great. She told me though that the RAI is a slow process (yes, I am getting that) and that it can take up to a year for it to fully work. So while I can not say Harvey is gone completely, it seems like he has disappeared a bit more. Great news for the most part. Even if it is not in my time frame.

Does anyone think I might have issues with patience?

Of Love(ys) and Loss - Bunny's Tale

2010-02-23T20:24:00.004-06:00

She started out as part of a simple shower gift. A pink blanket with satin trim and a bunny head, written across it the words adorable. I thought it was very cute but it was put aside. It was at my work shower, the day before my scheduled c-section with the Monkey. So many things were going on and the bunny got put away.

I can't remember when we discovered the magic of the bunny, but sometime during the colicky days she made her debut. The rattle distracted my sweet girl and the softness of it comforted her enough to relax. She would snuggle in and all was right in her little world.

Suddenly Bunny was our main go to soother. Anytime she was upset or mad or cranky this amazing bunny worked it's magic.

We soon got a second bunny so we could wash the first one. Then we added two more just in case. I will add here we have bought a total of six "replacement bunnies". We've lost four of them and two of them my ever discriminating girl would not touch.

Imagine my horror last week when bedtime rolled around and neither of the traditional bunnies could be found. My sweet hockey nerd was clueless as to why I was panicked. Monkey was mildly concerned but I was tearing the house apart trying to find them to no avail. I had visions of them being lost forever. We grabbed two of the replacements, the ones that Evie would not touch previously and I prepared for the worst. She went down with minimal fussing and woke up asking for bunny. Then shrugged it off.

When it was discovered bunnies were not left at school. Hockey nerd commenced Operation Rabbit Hunt. Apparently, the monkey went through her school bag when she got home and hid them. Where you might ask? In her oven. When asked why, she just shrugged her shoulders and smiled and hugged her bunnies.

So what did I learn? That my monkey is growing up whether I am ready for her to grow up or not. The bunny attachment is not as strong as it was.

After I had visions of losing such an important part of her babyhood, and since she seemingly is not specifically tied to just that one the original sweet adorable bunny, that has been well loved has earned her retirement. She is now safely tucked away in my closet, where hopefully she will not be spotted. This mommy's plan is to keep it safe and share it with Evie again when she is older and she and I can revisit the magic of this bunny again. Maybe she won't care, but I do and I will cherish the bunny always.

Finally

2010-02-21T21:30:00.002-06:00

About a year ago, in the midst of a rather spectacular, self-indulgent, poor me funk. I changed my blog background to something brighter, something perkier. I said that once I was out of my funk I would change it.

Notice anything different?

Not sure this will be it, I've definitely been wanting an update and an overhaul. But here we go for now.

The tide is turning. The new normal has begun. More details to follow.

For now, I'm off to go finish watching an amazing US/Canada men's hockey game. One that I've largely ignored to find a cute blog background.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T18:13:00.003-06:00

While hockey nerd was out Tuesday night, the Mommy, the munch and the monkey played arts & crafts. I got a wild hair and thought this would be the perfect year to start home made Valentines cards. Munch is big enough and has done enough crafts that he would have a blast, Monkey is the artiste happiest with crayons and paper.

It turns out Munch was more concerned with the wording "To Daddy, Happy Valentines Day! Love, the coolest bestest four year ever, Munch" he also was concerned with me coloring him the perfect rainbow for him.

Monkey's card turned out to be a modernist affair. Definitely colored with love.

But a good time was had by all, and the hockey nerd was quite surprised by his cards made from the kiddos.

So from our house to yours, we hope your day was as full of love and fun as ours was.

(and yes that is the munch in his Christmas Spongebob jammies they are his favorites)

In case you ever wondered

2010-02-12T19:12:00.005-06:00

A sweet friend of mine recently messaged me on Facebook and asked if Lew and I would like to talk about our love story. She was one of our earliest couple friends as we were settling into our newly married life and as Lew was going through culture shock from the Philly move to big old NE Oklahoma.

We agreed but then the nerves hit, what did I think was so remarkable about us that people would like to hear about? Who was I kidding. It's your typical boy and girl got introduced by a mutual friend living in two completely different states, not even remotely close to each other and how they met and eventually fell in love.

Then we started talking to our friend and while it may not be remarkable to anyone else, it is remarkable to me and to my favorite hockey nerd. It was a nice half hour to remember how things were and what brought us together to begin with. Which is after all what this is weekend is about.

So just in case you ever wondered how we happened to be, or just in case you are curious to hear whether my voice matches me, here's your chance.

*Just as an aside, I have changed to comment moderation due to the appearance of spam in my comments section. I've been deleting them as they come along, but I wasn't sure how else to deal with them.

mmm....waffles

2010-02-09T20:50:00.002-06:00

One of my favorite comfort foods. When I was single and had a down day nothing would cheer me up like a couple of waffles with butter spread evenly in each square melted and then covered in syrup. Ok, a bit obsessive but it works for me. Yummy....

But I'm not meaning those kind of waffles as much as I love them. Here it is, I am waffling. Waffling about the decision whether we will ttc again or not. I know, I know, I know and I can't believe I am saying this but I'm not sure what we are going to do.

What has brought this on is yet another "date specific" event. This week last year was when my hcg levels went up for the second week in a row. This Friday last year was when I had an ultrasound of nothing but pretty colors. Do you remember the bad "you look like you are under a severe storm warning" comment from my sweet husband? A year ago things were spiraling out of a control for me at a rapid pace. This year, obviously a sense of normalcy has returned. The new status quo, or so I thought. With this new anniversary passing me, it means another big date is looming, that's right the ban on ttc will be listed. Only two short months from now. Both my endocrinologist and my ob/gyn have said in the past that I could think of ttc six months post RAI. The nuclear medicine tech told me a year. I have two big appointments coming up, my follow up with my endo and then my one year WOOHOOO appointment with my ob/gyn.

Naturally my brain is spinning. If they were to tell me six months would be ok post RAI this could change things. Not sure why six months is such a big deal, but the difference from April to October seems huge at this point. Probably much like in retrospect these past ten months have both flown and moved in microscopically slow fashion.

So here is my question. Not nearly as filled with angst as it once was, but one I visited countless times in the early days of my partial molar/gestational trophoblastic disease diagnosis. How do you know when you are done? How do you know when you are being selfish and following your own desires?

I adore Munch and Monkey, I love that they are so interactive with each other, that they are now toddlers and way more self-sufficient and spunky than I wish on most days. But every once in awhile the nagging "just one more" thought rears its ugly head and ties me up in knots all over again. Am I just missing the two that we have lost along our journey? I wish I could definitively make up my mind. Funny how a silly date can bring things back up to the forefront that were shuttered away.

What I want to be when I grow up

2010-01-27T20:17:00.002-06:00

A little warning in advance, I've had a day so this is going to be a little more serious than normal.

You'd think at 41, I would be there, wouldn't you? A grown up that is or at least know more about where I am going. I've matured late. I'll admit it. I have been late for everything, birth, marriage, stability, babies...you get the idea.

Today I had my year end review and had to attend a funeral. Quite a lovely combination for one day, don't you think?

The funeral was for a close family friend. She was our music pastor's wife, her oldest daughter is a friend of mine. She was Lewie's first non-relative care giver. She was the first one to talk openly with me about her personal history with miscarriage. She was more of a prayer warrior for me than what I ever could have imagined. I adored her and I love her family. She was only 11 years older than I am, which I did not know until recently. She loved my children. Of course, how could you not, if you knew them? I'm kidding on that one. I think they are pretty great though and so did Patty.

Her daughter wrote the coolest thing on facebook about her. We had a total of four, yes four, pastors get up and speak. So much about her I didn't know and so much that I would like to emulate in my own way. People loved her, loved her laugh, loved her support of her husband. Being the spouse of a pastor/minister of any variety is surely not an easy task. She was spoken of in love and respect.

That is what I want. No matter how imperfect I am, because lets face it I am so incredibly flawed it's not funny. Despite my flaws, I want that in my life. I want to leave a lasting impact on my family, on my children and on my friends. I want to be loved and respected. Someone you look to when you need an ear, or someone who will pray for you. Someone who will love on you whether you want to be loved on or not. Someone who will put me aside and think of others more than myself. To sacrifice for someone other than me.

I suppose what this boils down to is that I want to be a better friend, become more selfless. I want to leave an impact. Not because I was goofy. Not because I occasionally might be funny. I want to leave an impact because I loved without fear, and because I cared.

It's a pretty tall order. But if I can swing even half of that I would be quite pleased.

Freedom

2010-01-14T20:10:00.002-06:00

Not quite sure where this is going to go tonight. So many things inspired this that my thoughts may all come spewing out and this may be coherent only to me.

The title ties in later, but it also has to do with this song that has been running through my head non-stop all day. Before I started my day this morning I happened across an interview with George Michael. Like most girls of my growing up years I thought he was mighty pretty to behold. I loved Wham, and was even ahead of the curve enough to have a Wham UK cassette tape. I read the interview and he made a comment about the song Freedom and thus today's title and the song that WILL NOT LEAVE MY HEAD! Though Freedom 90 is still a favorite. Must be all the Pepsi Throwback I'm drinking, but I'm feeling a bit nostalgic music wise tonight apparently.

I saw a comment that got me a little fired about today, "Is it just me or do Mom's get much less freedom than dads." I have been thinking about that comment since I saw it. Add to that a rather nostalgic day in general and I'm all mushy.

When I am not at work I am with the munch and the monkey. I very rarely do anything that does not involve them. Why? Because I miss them and well, I feel like I don't get to spend nearly enough time with them. It is my choice to stay home and soak up the memories and the times good and bad and hair pulling out frustrating. I do go out from time to time on my own, for social stuff or time alone like getting my nails done or shopping. But the whole time I'm usually focused on getting back to two of my favorite people in the world.

My hockey geek on the other hand has a very active outside the home life (hockey, Bible Study, Lawn crew at church, volunteering...well you get the idea.). That's fine for him. He loves his time with our children but he can balance it better without the mom guilt.

In my case, I don't want freedom, I like being tethered. No matter how far away I get, they are my anchors. They bring me back home while keeping me just slightly above the ground. It is a choice that I have willingly made.

I was emailing the husband today at work while thinking about it because the comment in general was rather ironic considering the source. It's no secret I have a tremendous amount of "mommy guilt" because I do work outside the house. I am fortunate though to have a good job, and one I actually enjoy on most days but that still doesn't quiet the desire to be home.

I also got inspired by thinking about enjoying them while they are at this age. There was a rather touching blog post that got me thinking today as well.

How much time do I spend frustrated because toys are not getting picked up? How much time do I spend trying to figure out ways to deal with a two year old temper tantrum? How much time do I spend bemoaning the fact that I do work? How many times do I kick myself for not being the perfect mom who never loses her patience, and can handle any difficult situation with the right words and a smile? Quite a bit.

How much sweeter would my life being by cuddling my sweet son at night while his daddy is doing the night-night thing with his sister rather than wrapping things up for the night. How much brighter would my morning be by having quiet time with my spunky monkey while she is waking rather than finishing up the last of my running around before the mad dash to my parents and work. I need to focus on the many positives and let the rest handle themselves.

Munch and Monkey will not always be this small, this cuddly, this much in love with their mommy. I am trying to embrace it and treasure it and lock up these moments as best I can. I'm so far from being Donna Reed it's not funny, but I try, and honestly I don't think it matters to them. I just need to remind myself to slow down and take all of this in. Make extra time, even time that I had not thought about until now.

Freedom will come in time, probably way sooner than I would wish. I don't need freedom right now, I just want sloppy kisses, dirty faces and sweet little children that don't pick up toys. Late night arrivals into my bed from sleepy little red headed boys, even if he does elbow me in the eye, kick me in the stomach and take up way more room than ever believed possible for someone that size. I want the biggest neck hugs possible from the spunkiest little girl I know, I want to dance with her in the bathroom, I want to cook breakfast with her. I will never, ever look back on my life and say I wish I would have had more freedom, I wish I could have enjoyed myself more. But I can most assuredly tell you, I never want to look back on my life and wish I spent more time with my children or made more memories with them.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - 2009 Edition

2010-01-06T22:10:00.003-06:00

I know this is very much delayed. I just have not had much to say and not sure where to go with this. The long and the short of it is that 2009 has been a year like no other for me. It's mostly been a year of yuck. But it's in the past now right?

The good of this year, I have a husband that still thinks I'm ok. Despite the fact that I've been a raging cow for most of this year. He has stood by me no matter what. My munch and my monkey, I can't say this enough they are my world. Even when things were at their yuckiest, they could make me smile. I am so fortunate to have them, and I am so grateful for them. More good it seems like the partial molar/gestational trophoblastic disease is in the past. Can I just say three more months of blood draws left? Pardon me, while I do a little celebratory dance. And maybe just maybe, I've got the whole thyroid cancer thing taken care of. Harvey potentially is now in my imagination or in my memories only. More dancing.

The bad was mainly the realization that we are done with our TTC journey, whether I want to be or not. I'll be honest this is still a struggle, but I still have not changed my mind. I'm sure this seems odd to most that I would list this as a bad but in my head it was, if for no other reason it wasn't the way that I had planned it.

The ugly...I won't belabor the point. That a "simple miscarriage" turned into a partial molar pregnancy and gestational trophoblastic disease that required four rounds of chemo, not to mention countless blood draws that are still happening monthly almost thirteen months after the fact. Even "baby chemo" was ugly. Not sure that I ever shared this, but this is a picture of me during my last treatment. You probably can't even tell that's what is going. This was the treatment room that I talked about on several instances. This was my ugliest point of all in 2009, not from a vanity perspective, but the whole emotional aspect behind it.

The ongoing thyroid battles and my impatience with my doctor. The fact that I presumed to know more than she did. That I questioned her so easily. The full blown radioactive Iodine Treatment was pretty awful as well. Not sure why I was so anxious to do that and I hope to never have to do that again.

My attitude was pretty ugly most of the year also. It's a good thing I didn't really say half the things I thought. I was whiny, I was definitely melodramatic, I was jealous, I was envious. I used vulgarities. You know all the things that nice girls "don't do". I was pretty negative for a large portion of the year and it took it's toll on so many things.

So what are my goals this year? I'm not one for resolutions because I never follow through, that being said I do have every intention to be more positive this year. I had toyed with the idea of starting a blog and every day coming up with one thing positive to say about my life/circumstances/the world around me. But here it is six days into the new year and I have already started slacking. I do realize there are going to be times when life is just stinky, and I have to deal with that. Surely, I can do it with a smile.

I have learned I am very fortunate in how things have turned out, despite all of my grumpings. Things can always be worse.

I also am thinking about getting a tattoo this year. It started as a joke with my Sunday School teacher, but it kind of stuck with me. The radioactive symbol. Just as a reminder of where I have been. I think a nice hot pink one would be lovely, don't you?

Merry Christmas from Bikini Bottom

2009-12-24T20:25:00.003-06:00

Have you figured out I'm a bit of a nerd? I've outed myself on several ocassions. This maybe just about the nerdiest thing I have done yet. Bigger even than being all geeked out over going to wrestling and getting on camera several times.

My older sister started a tradition that I borrowed. Every year on Christmas Eve my neice and nephew got a new pair of jammies. I thought that was a cute idea, with her permission I borrowed it.

I started it last year found complimentary jammies for the Munch and the Monkey. Even Mommy got jammies, that was sort of a much needed pick me up from the post miscarriage depths. But admittedly little thought went into it.

So this year, with more of my faculties about me, I decided to put effort into it. Let me say this, I have never been a matchy, matchy person. I promised my husband we'd never be that family, the ones all in the same shirt on family outings. I have to fight him to get coordinating for pictures, that's a different story though.

As you may recall the Munch has a love for all things SpongeBob. I probably haven't mentioned this but he's a bit resistant to change. New clothes anything new usually results in a full scale battle royal to get him to wear, or try. So we have to try the path of least resistance stick with what we know he likes. Imagine my mommy glee when I found a pair of boy flannel pajamas with SpongeBob in a Santa hat. Then what did I see next? You guessed it the female version. Santa Spongebob, in a more girly flannel version. It was meant to be, coordinating jammies and they had their size.

If that's not bad enough, I found Santa SpongeBob boxers and sleep pants for my dear husband, who also happens to love all things SpongeBob and in his size. Kismet I tell you. Can you guess what's next? That's right, I found SpongeBob jammies for me, minus the santa hat. Thereby not risking my oath to my husband. Each set is sommewhat different, though there are similarities.

There you have it, my lovely family instead of being all dolled up in more appropriate Christmas attire, has been SpongeBobbed out. I'm sure Munch and Monkey will look back on the pictures from Christmas this year and then promptly put me away somewhere, or stop speaking to me.

From our house to yours, I am wishing and praying for you all a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year. Praying that all of your Christmas wishes will come true.

Realization

2009-12-16T20:49:00.002-06:00

I was going to go a different way with this post today. It is after all a significant date in my world. The one year anniversary of my d&c stemming from my miscarriage/pmp. The thing that created a tremendous downward spiral in my life and certainly made me question many things in my world and in my faith.

I have no intention of going maudlin, I've done that way too often. My original intent was to share lyrics that have given me comfort and hope. That somehow have made me think of my angel(s) who are not here. It's a song I have been singing to them and to my sweet munch and monkey.

But today as I was remembering where I was at this point in time last year. As I was allowing myself to grieve the loss. I had a sense of peace. I can't explain it, I won't even try. While I won't pretend I'm not sad a thought occurred to me. Something I never thought I would be able to say. It's not earth shattering, it's quite obvious really, but there is a difference between having someone else tell me this truth and finally coming up on the heart realization.

Things don't always go the way that I want them to go, or dream, or hope, or pray that they will go. But ultimately, maybe just maybe, things work out in the long run.

The Monkey turns two

2009-12-06T09:48:00.003-06:00

So it's been a bit of a whirlwind here. Between birthdays and holiday craziness. Today is no exception.

Two years ago today I received one of the best early Christmas presents ever. My Christmas Eve baby with a scheduled arrival date of December 14th decided that she had her own agenda and arrived three weeks early on December 6th. I ended up with pregnancy induced hypertension that instead of getting better with rest got worse and so it was decided she would come earlier than we scheduled.

I have to say one thing about this scenario have stayed the same over two years, Monkey has always had her own agenda and her own schedule. Very strong willed, very determined. But regardless is such a joy to us.

She was my first baby after a loss and I was so scared the entire time I was pregnant that something would happen to her and admittedly missed a lot of the joy of being pregnant. I was so glad when she arrived though because I could stop worrying and enjoy her on the outside. And enjoy her we do. She's got her daddy wrapped, and her big brother loves her too. As evidenced by my meet the monkey post, I'm pretty enthralled with her also.

Happy birthday Monkey!

I am Thankful

2009-11-25T06:23:00.003-06:00

As cheesy as it may seem and in light of the fact that I usually am griping about something. I thought I would change tact and just share some of the things I am thankful for this year. In retrospect there are way too many things to list.

I am thankful for my family, for my husband who has put up with A LOT. The poor guy still thinks I'm a good catch even after all the mood swings, etc.

I am thankful for the munch and the monkey, they can make me smile under the worst of circumstances, flummox me under the best of circumstances and never fail to melt my heart regardless of anything else going on.

I am thankful for my house.

I am thankful for a great Sunday School class

For great friends, in person and on-line. Who accept me the way that I am.

For great babysitters.

For cups of coffee and moments of quiet in the morning when I could/should be sleeping.

For the start of traditions for this family of four, starting with Thanksgiving at our house with just us and two of our friends.

I am thankful for potentially being done with any type of medical treatment for the time being. It's been a rough 15 or so months, but I came out relatively in tact.

I am thankful for clear skies, twinkling stars and that last sliver of daylight at the end of the day and the beautiful sun rise the next morning.

I am thankful for my job.

For do overs.

Mainly though I'm thankful just to be. All in all, I have been fortunate and I need to remember it's not only the big things to be thankful for but the goofy little things as well.

Off to gear up for a day of cooking and plenty of Mommy, Munch and Monkey time today as the three of us are home hanging out. Though the two little ones are still sleeping.

Big hugs to everyone and from us here Happy, Happy Thanksgiving!

With a Little Help

2009-11-22T23:07:00.003-06:00

Lots going on here as life is returning to the new normal. We just finished a four day birthday celebration (yes, four days). Wednesday is a church day, which in my world means I go from work straight to church and don't see the munch or the monkey until after 730p at night. Thursday was the small family gathering, pizza, Optimus Prime cake and gifts. The monkey got a new Tinkerbell so as not to feel totally left out. Friday was cupcake day at school, and then last but not least the big blow out at the gymnastics center. Whew...

I will admit to be on edge a little bit right now. I'm in the awkward in between phase, I'm in between the anniversary of my BFP gone bad, and the D&C turned pmp with bonus chemo (gone worst case scenario). Add on to that while compiling my retrospective of Munch pictures over the years, I ran across a gem that just threw me for a loop. An innocent enough picture of Mommy and the munch at his party last year. A picture that very clearly revealed to me, and to DH and a few close friends the tell tale bloat of early pregnancy. Yikes. Lovely 7'ish - 8'ish week bloat. It made me wistful...even though that picture was taken a day after my first u/s that sort of clued me in to a potential problem measuring behind, no baby seen yet, etc etc. I was still blissfully naive, still hopeful, still pregnant.

Of course, we know how that ended so I won't belabor the point. It just was a concrete image of something that has turned abstract to me a year later.

So where am I going with this? Around the same time I happened to read a blog post of a friend of mine where she was referring to an article in Cookie Magazine about post partum anxiety. Obviously, with an almost two year old, I'm probably way past that point, but I hustled to my copy and read the article.

It was between her post and that article that another light bulb went off, maybe it was time for me to think about getting a little help for me. After almost two years of intermittent crud.

I've decided that maybe it's time for a little outside interference to try and put me back to where I came from. Though I feel I've handled things remarkably well. I'm off, I'm still not entirely me. I've blamed everything from being off synthroid, to generic birth control pills driving me crazy. In all honesty, back in my pre-ttc days I was on Zoloft for social anxiety, so it might not be too shocking to know that some of those signs have re-surfaced as well.

I've used my blog as my therapy, I've vented, I've whined. I've griped. I've railed at God, I've railed at others and now it's time to maybe, just maybe see if my old friend Zoloft might temporarily welcome me back.

Even just long enough to restore me to me. New and improved, stronger, wiser and most importantly, less likely to snap someones head off for not blowing their nose. Sending apologies out to my favorite hockey geek. ;)

And to end this on a cheerier note. My promised fourth birthday picture of the munch taken at his school's Thanksgiving celebration.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful time with your friends and or family.

My reminder if to no one other than myself, is even if it doesn't seem like it at the time, there is always something, no matter how small to find and be thankful for every day.

"One little boy, One Little Man...

2009-11-17T20:57:00.003-06:00

Funny how time flies." - Broken by Tears for Fears (it's the tail end of Head over Heels). I keep coming back to this song on a yearly basis. Not even sure it qualifies for a song, more a snippet. But it encapsulates to me how quickly my munch is growing.

Here I am on the eve of Munch's fourth birthday and I'm feeling oh so nostalgic. How is it possible that he is going to be four tomorrow? This night four years ago, I was a wreck. I was excited, I was nervous, I was scared beyond belief. My first ever surgery, my first ever hospital stay. The last night of just being DH and I.

Here I am four years later with a mixture of happiness, sadness and excitement. I love this little guy more than I could have ever dreamed, more than I could ever put into words. Here we are now a family complete at four, plus our guardians above.

So before I get any more sappy. I thought I would end this with a few pictures over the years on his birthday. Will add his fourth picture tomorrow.

Happy early birthday my munch "I love you all the way to the moon, and back."

Maybe maybe

2009-11-12T19:03:00.002-06:00

Good news. Got a voice mail left yesterday saying that the endocrinologist had my scan results and to call and set up an appointment for the 2nd week of January.

Because I generally tend to censor myself due to little ears, I will continue that trend here just because I want to make sure I don't slip in my daily language. But I will tend you I had a not so nice phrase run through my head...2nd week of January? Really??? In no way shape or form is that a good answer or an acceptable one.

So I called this morning and asked to speak to the nurse and shockingly I actually got her. I just said simply I just was curious if I could find out the results of the scan sooner than 2nd week of January. I wanted to know about whether or not I could get back on synthroid as I was not looking forward to being off it for 2 more months. She said she would find out and call me back.

I assumed that I would not hear anything back until closer to five. Imagine my surprise when I had a phone call three hours later from the nurse with the following announcement "Just really quickly, the scan shows uptake on the right side of your throat which is what we want and you can start back on synthroid tomorrow."

So I will take that as long awaited good news, even though I did not get to have her clarify for me and Dr. Google was no help. Regardless, that's enough to tide me over until the 2nd week in January or I get confirmation.

Until I hear in no uncertain terms that I'm clear, I am not officially going to announce anything. But for now we'll go with "which is what we want" as being the beginning of a whole new chapter. I guess I don't know as much as I thought, hmm???

Whatever will I talk about now?

Harvey and the Belly of the Beast

2009-11-10T19:04:00.003-06:00

Otherwise known as Harvey's fall picture day.

Today was my scan from my "first" full blown Radioactive Iodine ablation. I had to call yesterday because they never called me to schedule it. It's been three weeks today. The scan was supposed to be at two weeks.

When I called yesterday I got an oops our bad (well, ok a little more professional then that, but it was that sort of drift) and an offer of first thing in the morning. So I went with it.

So first thing this morning we went off and good old Harvey the thyroid and I got to spend quality time in this thing.

A bit claustrophobic, but oddly enough first thing in the morning coupled with the awesome heated hospital blanket provided for a good nap.

No news yet but hopefully this morning will be the last in this chapter.

Happy Day

2009-11-07T20:25:00.002-06:00

All in all November 6 was not a bad day. It might have even been considered a good day. It was Lew's night with the monkey. I half-way, sort of, maybe, got to sleep in. The munch and monkey greeted me with their smiles and cards and a gift bag, looking uncharacteristically oh so angelic.

The hockey geek and I both took the day off and took the kiddos to school and just spent the day hanging out, had a nice lunch, did some shopping and just had a chance to reconnect. We had a nice dinner of frozen pizza (try to contain your jealousy) and cake and ice cream. I was serenaded and we blew out the candles together.

A little after the cake and ice cream, my sweet monkey started singing. She doesn't sing so much as she talks but you know when she's doing it. Or at least I can tell. It was a bunch of happy day (Evie's version of Happy Birthday, she can't quite negotiate the full term so it's happy day)and la, la, la. It was truly music to my ears, soft and for only me to hear little arms around my neck and sloppy faced wrapped up with lub ooo mommy happy day. Ah how truly blessed this mommy is. I know from time to time surely my rants have made it not appear that I realize this fact, I truly do.

Of course it was also partially a bittersweet day as well, as it was the one year anniversary of my BFP for what turned out to be my partial molar pregnancy. It's going to be hard not to remember it since it happened on my birthday. So much hope at the time in two little lines. I mentioned this in a confession on a board that this past year was not quite the way I planned and that I suppose that the past year, if it has taught me nothing else it's that things don't always go as hoped for/prayed for and to never assume things are a given, because nothing is ever a given. The one response back to me was "lessons suck sometimes, don't they?"

Ah well, even though things didn't go as I had planned for myself over the past year, it is now water under the bridge and I can for the first time, in a long time, looking forward rather than back.

So I will go ahead and chalk up November 6, 2009 as indeed a very "happy day".

Munch's Monster at the End of this Blog

2009-11-05T06:45:00.004-06:00

It's happened we've been invaded. Oh, it was subtle at first a monster here, a monster there. A red growly gus in the closet. But now it's a full scale invasion. Our house is being overrun with monsters. True to monster form they appear only at night, in the scary recesses of a very soon to be four year old's room.

They are impervious to Mommy's super monster cleaning/removal/organizing of the toys and complete overhaul of said four year old's room. They scoff at Daddy's Mega-Monster spray. So while we figure out the most effective form for monster invasion, Mommy and Daddy are having our own little monster infestation better known to us as the Munch.

While it's certainly not ideal, and while I am almost nearly certain that the monsters crept in while mommy was glowing and the family was temporarily relocated while I was in solitary confinement, we haven't figured out a great way to deal with it. I suspect by and large that while Munch, Monkey and Daddy were staying with their Grammy and Paw-Paw and the Munch took up residence in G&P's room /floor that he managed to sneak in between in their bed. Creating a monster of a problem for us to clean up at home. He has slept in his own bed at home only a handful of nights in the two weeks since treatment. So as we figure out the best exterminator for our problem the munch has established guest privileges in our bed. Pass the bad parents award this way in the meantime. We had managed to make it four years without reaching this milestone, and it was one I swore would never happen. Imagine that. Those always seem to be the milestones that find us, the ones we swear we will never, ever happen.

Let me just say though that now I'm actually getting to sleep for longer periods of time and right now that may be the main advantage to the invasion.

"...and you were so scared..."

New Moon on Monday

2009-11-02T21:52:00.002-06:00

Ok, so maybe not. Just always loved that title. For those of you who are not children of the 80's it's a pretty spectacular song by the pretty and spectacular Duran Duran boys. Most of whom seemed to age fairly well, or found a good enough make up to cover their sins.

New rule for me never blog when frustrated, must give time and space. I divulged probably way more information than anyone truly cared to know and despite how I thought the review went, I neglected to mention I was still ranked very well and that I was told I do a great job. LOL So most was for naught. I think I was tired and crabby, and just blindsided. But at the same time I heard most reviews were similar in tone, so I guess even more important was that it's not just me. That most walked away feeling the way I did was oddly encouraging to me.

Only two more months until I can start fresh again. Out with the old and in with the new (please, please, please).

Sad But True

2009-10-22T18:41:00.002-05:00

I'm now going to be singing Metallica in my head as I'm typing this. Even more curious is that I just checked the lyrics and the song actually makes sense to me at this moment for the first time ever.

Ah well, I'm not here to wax melodic about Metallica, not even a particularly big fan though "Until it Sleeps" has long been a favorite, even as recently as my thyroidectomy and subsequent Papillary Carcinoma diagnosis.

Today it's simple. They forgot to mention in the exhaustive list of do's and don'ts prior to my RAI ablation dose on Tuesday that it brings a particular side effect, nausea can be "common for 48 hours following treatment." Really? That would have been good to know, um about 48 hours ago.

Imagine my surprise after breezing through the thyrogen scan, telling people this would be a piece of cake. That I woke up yesterday morning only to feel like I had been hit by a bus and most of my day in bed. There is nothing that says "oh woe is me" more than someone in solitary confinement, radioactive and feeling nauseous among other things. I would go so far as to say it rivaled the act-d treatment for the Gestational Trophoblastic Disease in March or April. Pity party table for one again.

But today is another day and I found the cure, homemade chicken noodle soup. So good, so restoring and totally perked me up. It's so sad that even at my age, nothing says love to me like someone making me soup.

Now maybe tomorrow I can tackle my list of projects I wanted to do during quarantine. I planned on carving the smaller pumpkins that the munch and the monkey picked up during their school trip to the pumpkin patch. I wrote their names free hand and had planned to carve them out and have them lit up as centerpieces on the dining table when they get home on Saturday.

I also planned on finishing the painting and revamping of their bathroom, turning it from a generic guest bathroom to a kid and guest friendly Sahara/monkey/giraffe/lion themed room.

Not too ambitious was I?

All is almost right with my world, and it only took two bowls of homemade chicken noodle soup.

Congratulations...

2009-10-20T18:11:00.003-05:00

You're not pregnant.

The last time I was told that was in July, when I did my thyrogen scan. At the time it was funny, but it was bittersweet. It was a sign that I could not only move forward with treatment, it also meant that the partial molar had not returned, that my hcg was still at zero. But at the same time, it was sad because I more than anything still wanted to hold on to the thought that I could have my much desired third "take home baby". I still wanted to go through pregnancy again. All the joys, all the fears, every bit of pregnancy. I'm apparently one of the few that actually enjoys being pregnant. Except for maybe the paralyzing fears that surfaced after my first loss. I didn't even mind the hand on the belly.

Today, hearing those words brought relief. Brought with them the realization that my child-bearing days are over. It still hurts my heart, still brings melancholy, but I'm no longer immobilized by my loss of my dream. I realized today that while we were waiting for the blood test before I began my full ablation that I was afraid it would be positive.

For the first time, I was not secretly hoping to hear I was pregnant. I was hoping to hear I was not pregnant. I had a moment similar earlier this week, when I was thinking about the inevitable hcg draw prior to treatment.

The kicker, with the dosage of Radioactive Iodine I was given, it was advised that we not try to get pregnant for one year past treatment. So for those keeping score, that would make it two years past my partial molar before we could even think about ttc again. It was then I realized that I did have a cut off period for being pregnant. My ultimate question has been answered, how old is too old to still consider being pregnant one last time. I have no doubt now.

We discussed it while waiting for the blood test and we both decided it's time to make it official. We have the family we were meant to have. Two wonderful kiddos, two angels watching over us. We have been blessed. Not an easy decision, but at long last it brings peace.

Introducing Harvey

2009-10-18T19:44:00.002-05:00

I've referred to Harvey before by technical name. I grump about him frequently. He has changed my life forever, was once in existence, but is no more. He controlled my metabolism, my body temperature, whether I was tired or energized. He decided he liked nodules and then turned cancerous on me and had to be removed.

Any guesses on who Harvey is or rather was? That's right, my thyroid. I felt like as much as I complain about him, or now the lack of him. How the treatment of his obliteration has been discussed. I should at least honor him with a name.

My husband on the other thinks I have lost my mind. ehhh..maybe not so far from the truth on that one.

So why Harvey? I always liked the play and the movie. If there can be a rabbit named Harvey, I can most certainly name my now almost non-existent thyroid Harvey. Especially as much as I like to talk about him.

Held

2009-10-15T18:15:00.004-05:00

In remembrance of my two angels whether I knew about you two days, two weeks or two months doesn't matter. From the minute I saw those two pink lines, babies you were so very loved and oh so wanted. Even though there are some who would say you never counted, you will always count to me and to your Daddy. We love you and miss you very much. We have decided you are in heaven with your Grandma Gert and your PaPa P, since they didn't get the pleasure of meeting your big brother, and your little sister/big sister.

In honor of today being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I am lighting my candle for not only my losses, but losses of my friends and family both near and far that have unfortunately suffered the same pain and heartbreak.

My candle will be lit at 7p CDT.

In closing yet another Natalie Grant song - Held
"Two months is too little, they let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his Mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happened to us
Who have died to live? It's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive"

Same Old Story, Same Old Song and Dance

2009-10-08T23:20:00.002-05:00

Nothing new to report. Still waiting to hear back from the scheduler. I've had a crazy busy week at work or I would have been phoning her every day. So probably just as well.

I've got some big dates looming ahead of me. Significant only to me, and well maybe just maybe Lew.

I've got my birthday next month, which in and of itself is inconsequential, though I suppose after the last 15'ish month I should celebrate I'm still here in one piece. Relatively speaking of course. With said birthday though new baggage accompanies that day as that was the day I got my now fateful BFP. I was so excited that day, I hung so much hope on those two pink lines only to be devastated by the outcome. So my birthday now will be a reminder of what was, and what could have been though it will fade in time, it will always remain in my mind and in my heart. Without that BFP, the promise of a new baby, I would not have embarked on the other half of my wondrous medical journey. How's that for being positive?

I can't imagine what my life was like last year at this time, though oh my I'm sure it was tragic to me. I can't imagine what my life would be like if the last year had turned out differently. I've given up trying to wrap my head around it. It's not for me to figure out just yet. I can't remember anything but this life now and how I got here.

I've been altered forever but yet I'm still me. Never in a thousand years did I think that I would ever say that. I will admit I'm finding out I'm a pretty tough old broad even if I do have a penchant for whiny, woe is me reactions. My poor monkey, I so hope she doesn't get that too.

So much for thinking I had nothing to say.

I started out with Aerosmith, and I'm ending with a quote from another of my favorite Natalie Grant songs.
"I Will Not Be Moved" this is an excellent reminder for me and in places a pretty good summation of this goobers life.
"Bitterness has plagued my heart,
Many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
and I have kept the score,
of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see it's grace I'm standing on."

None the Worse for Wear

2009-10-03T07:48:00.002-05:00

All went well with the Munch. He was definitely a trooper yesterday and I am one proud mama. The only thing he had a hard time with was changing from his beloved Spongebob Jammie's to the oh so stylish dancing bears standard issue hospital gown. The anesthesiologist was awesome and gave him something in his nose that the munch tried to bat away and he said "no, I got it, we're done." Within a couple of minutes he was sleepy, a few more minutes later he was loopy and looking for the Yo Gabba Gabba pop tart on his gown.

For those not familiar with Yo Gabba Gabba, it's a rather trippy but very cool kids show that is one of our personal favorites. We watch the sleep episode every night before the monkey's bedtime. One of the songs features a pop tart that ahem, pops up, in the characters dreams.

It was a bit longer than anticipated and at one point we were joking about him holding his dentist hostage in OR but we were told he was excellent.

He came home and played like nothing ever happened, got two more Transformer toys, some sprite and a whole bunch of ice cream out of the deal. He already knows how to work the system here.

The Munch Collides

2009-09-30T18:04:00.003-05:00

with the medical/dental community and suddenly this mama is beside herself. Have I ever mentioned I'm stubborn? Surely I have never displayed that side here. So I am equally sure you might be surprised to here that my sweet and lovely redheaded boy is stubborn, very stubborn.

We had our first dental visit awhile back and he was apparently not good at getting his back teeth taken care of, resulting in a cavity Your normal child would be scheduled for an appointment to get it filled and that would be done.

Not quite so easy for my munch, after being sedated (Demerol) and nitroused, he still would not allow the dentist to even touch him let alone fill a tooth. So we are now scheduled for Friday morning for surgery at the hospital under general. In some ways I know this will be good. But right now, it's making me nauseous. He will have to have an IV, will be completely under general anesthesia at not even four years old. The scary part is two-fold. First, he will be under general anesthesia at not even four years old. The second is that my child is strong willed enough to out stubborn Demerol and nitrous but a very experienced pediatric dentist at not even four years old.

All this to say any thoughts and prayers you might have to send this way would be so greatly appreciated for my munch.

Humble Pie

2009-09-28T18:28:00.003-05:00

Or how I learned to eat crow.

Apparently, all I had to do was not obsess and grump. I needed to focus on things other than TSH draws and all the Why, why, why, ad nauseum. ad infinitum. Rinse, lather, repeat.

After only three weeks of blood draws, after being off synthroid and grumpy about it four 7'ish plus weeks. My TSH levels are above 3o. Which means, that I can proceed with my next RAI treatment.

The wheels are rolling, and I have to admit that, ok maybe my endocrinologist might be more adept at treating me than I give I think. That maybe just maybe she does know best. Sorry, Dr. Google and Dr. Suz. Of course the jury is not entirely convinced, but this is a good sign. A very good sign indeed.

And now I wait for scheduling to get back with me to see what wonders are in store for me next.

How do my words taste? Yummy. I'm thrilled that I was wrong and though I'd prefer cupcakes this time I will gladly eat a big ole slice of humble pie.

Angels and Demons

2009-09-23T21:50:00.002-05:00

To continue on my divert and deflect tactic until I de-grump, un-grump, de-funk. I bring you, no not a discussion of the novel or the movie by that name, our most recent date night.

Have I mentioned that we're nerds? Have I mentioned that we're nerds who follow the WWE? Hangs head in shame. Last night our date night involved a filming of not one, not two but three count them three WWE broadcasts. The first of which aired last night and this goofy mug showed up several times because we were on the floor right by not only the stage, but by the center entrance aisle.

It remains to be seen how much of us will appear in the next two shows airing tomorrow and Friday, but I'm giddy just thinking about it. I had an exchange(whether it was imaginary or real) with one of the baddie divas that will be a favorite memory of mine, she just kind of gave me the hand in the air and mouthed something that looked suspiciously like "you're just jealous." DH on the other hand is convinced that she was inviting him backstage and was telling him how hot she thought he was. I bet that is exactly what she said. Whatever it was, was enough for my husband's friend that joined our date night (don't ask), to turn me and say "Suz, what did you do?" all aghast. Hehehehe.

It was so much fun and so nice to not focus on bedtimes, on blood draws, on RAI, on hcg, on mood swings, on the TTC vs no TTC. Instead we got to get lost in the age old battle of good vs evil. Might vs Right. Beautiful People vs ok, more beautiful people. I totally have a new respect for them and their job, their skills, their efforts. Clearly they love their job and give everything they have got for those in attendance and for those who will watch later.

So while it may not be every one's cup of tea, it was precisely what the doctor ordered for me. It was an energizer that I will long remember. To the blond baddie Diva, thanks for making it so fun for me and for DH. It's probably not even anything she even remembers, or will remember but for now it's a fun memory and a great fun conversation with the hockey boy.

Meet the Monkey

2009-09-19T07:30:00.007-05:00

Since I've been a little grumpy again. I thought I would divert for a bit. When I first started this blog, my sweet grill was close to seven months old. At that point, we had glimpses of her personality but it had yet to truly take form, shape and sparkle. Yes, I said it, I think my daughter sparkles.

She is truly all girl, and while she will always be the sweet grill, she has now become Mommy's Monkey. I specify that because if you ask her she will tell you, she is Mommy's Monkey, but Daddy's Princess. It is rare that the two attributes are switched.

As I write this she is sitting in her lavender Tinkerbell chair, with her morning paci, her baby doll and is looking oh so stylish in her Tinkerbell nightgown with the flutter sleeves and netting around her waist. She might have a slight "Tinkbell" interest going on at the moment. Not sure if you caught that.

She's funny, she's a bit goofy and is a girl on the go. Her favorites right now are Yo Gabba Gabba and she can recognize "iCary" and anything Tinkerbell. She is (un)fortunately a lot like her mama. It's bad enough that she looks like my mini-me, she tends to be me temperament wise too. Is a girl after my own heart and loves music, dancing, singing and being silly. She's been pretty cool musically, loves the Gabba Music (I'll be honest, I do too and I will also admit to enjoying Gabba right along with with both she and the Munch), she appreciates Noggin's video for Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds", she has grooved right along with me to vintage INXS (she prefers Don't Change over Original Sin), Green Day (Know Your Enemy) and The Ting Tings and has been known to "sing along" with Veggie Tales and in a bit of randomness the Reese's Puffs Cereal Commercial releasing her inner rapper.

She loves her "bubba" (aka the Munch). Kiko, which would turn out to be actually Kiko and Yoda, our cats but to her right now both are Kiko. Munch was the same way though, poor Yoda. "A-us", or Angus our pup. She loves brushing her teeth and would do it all day, every day if I would let her. She also is a little obsessed with crocs right now, though I'm not sure why.

In case you can't tell I'm quite fond of the girl. I felt like I have devoted some time talking about my Munch but not as much time on my Monkey. Even when things are falling down around me and I get discouraged, they will never cease to make me smile and remind me of what is truly important.

And the Beat Goes On...

2009-09-17T20:00:00.003-05:00

TSH levels static for the 2nd week in a row.

Feeling a little tired and more than a little discouraged.

I guess on the bright side it didn't take two days for me to hear back.

I got the goofy back up nurse today, so I will try to get my endo's normal nurse tomorrow to see if I can schedule a sit down.

"Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged."
Our Hope Endures - Natalie Grant

Have I mentioned I love this song? Hope...Some days it's harder to come by than others.

Oh Happy Day!

2009-09-16T20:20:00.002-05:00

We are in possession of our laptop again. It's odd how excited I am about that.

Draw was done today and now I wait.

Different phlebotomist today but she was still nice and swore up and down that she knew me. LOL She said "you don't have a thyroid and it's been a very long road for you. Bless your heart." I don't remember seeing her before but it seemed like she did know of me. Though I suppose she might have been able to see all my various outstanding lab orders. Who knows. I will gladly no longer be on familiar levels with anyone who wants to take blood from me.
in
Oh and if you are curious, my blood draw hint for the year. Never have a phlebotomist draw your blood after a phone argument. Not so much in the initial part, but when she took the needle out. Ouch!

Showdown at the RML Corral

2009-09-16T07:04:00.003-05:00

Another day, another draw. Over 30 vibes are greatly appreciated, especially since I'm already feeling the lack of synthroid with the arrival of heart palpitations, anxious feelings, hot flashes, and my personal favorite the hangover (without the normal root cause).

I do also plan on talking to the phlebotomist to see if she would be able to take over my monthly hcg draws too. It would be so much easier.

Also still no laptop though we might be getting it back today. I've had so much on my mind but not the patience to write it out.

I'll update as soon as I know more.

The Missing Link

2009-09-14T19:23:00.003-05:00

Ok, I'm a day late and a dollar short on this one. I've been complaining for awhile about how every test has been coming back that indicates there is still thyroid tissue involved. Well, guess what? There is...funny how I was the only one who didn't know or didn't remember it.

We were in discussing the whole issue in Sunday School yesterday and I said something about it My darling husband looked at me and said "You do have thyroid tissue left remember?" Well, obviously not...It turns out that part of my thyroid was too close to my vocal chords and my surgeon was afraid that she would cause greater damage by trying to remove said thyroid part, so she left it there. Well, what do you know? Apparently, at some point I was told this, but I do not remember it at all. My guess is that Lew me while I was still in the hospital, but honestly I have no clue.

So while I feel vindicated that I knew there still had to be tissue involved. I sort of feel silly that everyone knew it except for me. Parents, surgeon and endocrinologist. Undoubtedly family friends did too.

But this then brings me back to the same question. If there is thyroid tissue still involved and obviously it's not nearly as hidden as I thought it was, then why are we taking the slow and cautious approach? After visiting with DH, we've decided to see where my TSH levels are at this week, and if there is no improvement, demand a sit down with my endo to see why exactly we are going this route. If we're still not happy, then we will start looking for other endo's for another opinion.

So for now it's good, in that I feel like I have the missing link to why things aren't adding up, and why this has been a battle. I feel armed now and I'm ready for my answers to the questions I didn't know how to ask.

Grumptimus Crank 2: Return of the Crank

2009-09-11T17:16:00.004-05:00

Big surprise. TSH levels are still "well below" 30. Really???? I never saw that one coming. So here I am another week off synthroid, another blood draw...at least I found a new lab this week for the draw that I really liked. How sad is it that I have preferences on labs for blood draws?

What's a girl to do? I think this warrants a trip for cupcakes.

Computus Interruptus

2009-09-09T20:58:00.002-05:00

Sorry for my absence. Our hard drive has crashed on our beloved lap top. While we are getting it worked on we have old faithful. It's not quite ancient enough to need to be hand-cranked to power up, but it's pretty close.

So rather than fight with typing on our very slow desktop I have chosen to take the easy road.

I will say that I did have my TSH draw today to see where my levels are at in regards to doing my next RAI treatment. I should hear something back in a few days.

Hopefully, we'll have our laptop back before I have any news.

I Need an Intervention

2009-08-22T10:33:00.004-05:00

Hello, my name is Suzanne, I'm a cupcake addict.

It started innocently enough. One cupcake for my fifth anniversary celebration with hockey boy, washed down with champagne. It graduated to two cupcakes every once in awhile. Suddenly, it was an obsession, I either had cupcakes, wanted cupcakes, or was talking about cupcakes. They were the only things with me when I was radioactive, they have been my friends in a time of need. I've manufactured trips to the city these particular cupcakes come from. Fortunately it is not here in town or I'd be in trouble. I'm now up to a 6 pack of cupcakes a week. Though admittedly I only get about four.

I am admitting this because I have hit a new low. To compensate for ditching me in our monthly pay-per view, pizza and hang out night in favor of playing hockey. Lew decided to be sweet and enable my addiction. That in itself is not bad, right? Here's the low, I emailed them to see if they would set aside six of my favorites, as I knew by the time he would get there that it would be slim pickings since it was the tail end of their day.

But look at this beauty her name is Peppermint Maddy and she is heaven. Bittersweet chocolate cupcake with mint buttercream and french chocolate sprinkles....sigh.

I need an intervention.

A Funny Thing Happened

2009-08-20T20:37:00.002-05:00

The fog has lifted. All of a sudden I'm seeing my life as it truly is, not mired by all the junk that has happened. Not by what dreams or plans that I had for my last year that went unfulfilled or unceremoniously yanked from me. My life is really not all that bad.

I had the first hint of clearing on Saturday, the family was loaded in the Jeep for a day trip. Our mail man pulled up right as I was walking around to the passenger side, and he waved. Innocuous enough, right? All of a sudden I thought, wow this is my life. I've got a husband, two awesome kiddos and a mailman that waves. This is pretty cool. The second was in our backyard, while Lew was feeding the pup. It hit me again. Weird random reminders, telling me to be grateful.

Considering the fact that I got to this whole marriage/family thing a little later in life. Considering my hugely checkered past that could have and rightfully did scare people away from me. I was so afraid I would never find anyone who would tolerate the past and my many, many, flaws and quirks. I did. I feared that because I was already over 35 that the baby dream would not ever get realized. It did. Several times, even though it didn't work out every time. 50-50 not bad odds for someone my age.

I need to remember to be grateful for what I have. I know I say that a lot but apparently this in a lesson I need to learn. I wonder if my personality is such that it will be a lesson I will face again, and again. Hopefully not. It's funny how just the smallest things in the world, a wave, a small breeze can suddenly bring in to focus what truly matters. Despite it all, I am very fortunate, life is beautiful.

As the Dust Settles

2009-08-17T19:18:00.003-05:00

I am now two weeks into "the plan". I decided to try and visit with my doctor to see why she is going this course of action again, and to determine if they are upping my dosage of RAI this time. I visited with a friend of mine who has been a patient advocate, and head nurse over a treatment room through Cancer Care. I trust her input and she felt that nothing about the course of treatment merited my concerns. She said that thyroids are "tricky critters" and that usually the best option is the more cautious approach.

She did say that if my endocrinologist gets offended by my questioning her method then I do need to find another one as it is well within my rights to get answers to my questions.

I know it is so unlike me, but I tend to have knee jerk, over-dramatic reactions, and honestly I was ticked off. Now that I'm calmer, I can see the advantages to not uprooting my care. Though I'm curious to hear her answers. As it was also pointed out to me by my sage friend it wasn't entirely her fault that the original RAI took so long to happen, I did have a "few bumps" in the road.

The switch to Cytomel has been particularly lovely. I'm constantly hot, which is rare for me, but in Oklahoma in the middle of August it's not fun. Though my husband is quite pleased with how cool our house is right now.

So that's where things stand for me at the moment. Not anything too exciting. I've got a peace for the time being and that's always nice to have.

You are Getting Very, Very, Sleepy

2009-08-10T21:19:00.002-05:00

Sleep, ah I love sleep. To the best of my knowledge I always have. Munch and sweet grill not so much. Never have.

The munch refused to sleep in his crib until he was well after a year. He was a swing/car seat/co-sleeping on a daybed in the nursery baby. Hockey boy and I alternated nights sleeping in a daybed in his nursery for over four months. We tried every "friendly" sleep book possible, The Baby Whisperer, The Sleep Lady, The No Cry Sleep Solution. You name it we tried it. To no avail. Meanwhile, all of my friends tried the Cry it Out or Ferber method. I couldn't do it, no matter what the promised goal was I just couldn't do it. Finally, I caved and we tried it. The first night our stubborn munch sat up in his crib the whole night. I watched him on the monitor, and to this day, I swear he did not sleep. He just sat there. We tried the go in at five and soothe, go in at ten and soothe, etc. The second night, we only made it to five but he still sat in the corner of his crib and gave me the look. He couldn't see me watching him, but he knew I was there. He finally fell asleep and actually laid down. The third night, it was peace and sleep. Ah, precious sleep.

Fast forward 12 months to the arrival of the sweet grill. She actually was a great sleeper. She could put herself to sleep, she slept in the bassinet and her crib. She was night and day. Then colic arrived and it hit the fan. Her witching hours were between the hours of eleven pm to three am. So fun. Colic came and went. My great sleeper never returned. She's been hit or miss, largely due to teething causing sleepus interruptus. Sometimes she'll sleep sometimes she won't. We have yet to try the hardcore line, until tonight. We discussed the fact that the sweet grill has lost her ability to self-soothe. So some how the logical assumption was to let her cry. Makes sense? Right??? It was an epic fail. My sweet grill didn't like it at all. It didn't help that dear sweet bubba, kept leaving his room and slamming his door. Did I mention their rooms are right next door? We ended up giving up and getting her settled back down. She was so very upset, there was no way she would have settled back down. It was then we decided to let her do her thing. She'll get it when she's ready.

My intent is not to create a sleep training debate. This is more a me venting about sleep patterns for my kiddos, and what has worked for us and not worked for us.

My lesson learned is just because it worked for the munch doesn't mean it will work for the girl. Probably something that I will frequently be reminded of as they grow. Would I love them to sleep better, absolutely. One of these days it will happen. In the meantime, there is always caffeine.

The Plan 2009 Edition

2009-08-07T09:36:00.002-05:00

Looks similar to what is described here.

I have stopped taking my synthroid and currently taking Cytomel. I will be taking Cytomel until September 1. I will then stop Cytomel and will not be on anything. On September 9, I will go for a blood test to check TSH levels. If they are 30 or above, then I will get to start RAI treatment again.

I'm not optimistic that this will work. It obviously didn't last year. I was off of any replacement med for over three months and it was miserable and I was miserable. It was only after three months that my endocrinologist decided to do the Thryogen scan. The one that got postponed three times.

This is where my concerns lie, why would she put me on a protocol that failed previously? Why did she assure me that the lower dose three day treatment would suffice? When obviously it didn't take care of the thyroid tissue. I point blank asked her whether she thought it would be better to do the higher dose five day treatment and she said no, that she felt the three day would cover it. These are the issues that I am having. I am trying to put faith in her skills as a doctor, so I don't know if I am being unreasonable in having these doubts. I just don't think it's going to work but that is based on past history.

I am waiting to hear from a fellow local thyroid cancer survivor to get her thoughts. Her treatment was radically different from mine and has questioned me from the beginning about how it was being handled. I may get in touch with her endocrinologist for the second opinion.

Maybe I'm wrong and this will work the first time. If so I will gladly eat my words.

Our Hope Endures

2009-08-04T21:26:00.002-05:00

There is a song on my playlist that I added because I sort of liked, but never really paid all that much attention to the lyrics. Highly unlike me. In my boredom last week, I just sat and listened to my music, I apparently had my listening ears on because I heard this song in a whole new way.

I have made no secret of the fact, even if this is the first time I will put it in these words, that over the past year I feel like I've gotten the shaft. Between the thyroid cancer and the issues stemming from that to the miscarriage/partial molar/chemo thing. All very low odds, statistically speaking, all happening to me in a very short time frame. One in how many thyroid nodules turn into cancer? One in how many miscarriages are molar? And of those how many have to go the chemo route? Very small...Why did I think I was special enough to not have to go through this? I'm not entitle to anything.

In light of my most recent round of bad news, my initial reaction was anger and frustration. The whole why me attitude resurfaced. I found out today that I will have to be radioactive again as there was still thyroid tissue from my RAI treatment. Big surprise! I have also been very vocal about disagreeing with my endocrinologist plan of attack for me. I have long felt it would be better to go with the longer, full blown treatment better odds of getting it in one shot. I am not happy with the new plan, I'll go into more detail later. I am not feeling confident in the decisions being made at all. I am currently trying to decide if it might be in my best interest to get a second opinion. It's not something I take lightly, but if I am thinking I am doubting my doctor's judgement, maybe it is not the right place for me to be.

At any rate, the song I mentioned at the beginning is by Natalie Grant. A Christian recording artist, a bunch of her songs jumped out at me during my quarantine. I think I like her a lot. Vocally she sort of reminds me of a cross between Tori Amos and Kelly Clarkson, but she touched me this past week. I think I am going to go buy some songs off of iTunes.

The song is Our Hope Endures...
The first part sums up how I have felt about most of my last year, even though I know many have had it so much worse.
"You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged"

This has been a great reminder to me that my hope should be unchanged. It shouldn't be based on what I know or think I know. Ultimately, even though I don't understand a lot of why things have happened the way they have, there is a reason and a purpose.

The Chaos is Back

2009-07-31T22:09:00.003-05:00

Despite the fact that I still have to watch my interactions with them, the munch and the sweet grill are back. A little hyped up mixed with a little bit of whine, but I'll take them. It's not home without them here. Though I will hesitantly admit, I did like the uninterrupted sleep and the control of the tv.

The scan was not too bad. They said it would take an hour. I'm not sure that it did, it seemed quick. I got to be in this honking thing.

It was a little claustrophobic especially initially for the full body scan, I was moved all the way in and gradually slid back out. The top piece came down almost on top of my face, closer than the top of a tanning bed for those who have tried that. It was the oddest feeling to know you were slowing moving backwards but not feeling it, just noticing the surroundings changing. Obviously, I spent a fair amount of time inside there as I remembered the name and model enough to find a picture of it. Or does that make me nerdy? It's the Infinia Hawkeyye, if anyone is curious. Oddly enough I didn't sleep, not sure why as I was tired.

At any rate, now all I have to do is wait. Not sure how soon I would hear anything. It's been a long ride to get here. I can't say I'm sad to see it winding down.

The Next Step

2009-07-31T06:37:00.002-05:00

So here it is 630 on Friday morning my last day to sleep interrupted until the mass chaos that is known as the munch and my sweet grill return. I have been up since 530 this morning.

Why? A last minute cleaning frenzy. Picking up anything that might have been "exposed" the past couple of days. Putting on a new mattress pad, changing sheets, trying to decide on whether I need to iron said sheets. Cleaning up the remains of my toy cleaning binge yesterday. Taking a shower. Making coffee so I can have caffiene before since I have read that you can't drink for two hours prior. Not that anyonne told me that, I read up on what to expect on Google.

Truth be told, I sort of have been left in the dark for most of this week. Any information I needed, I had to ask for it was not volunteered. I am all for advocating ones own health care, but I feel there is some responsibility by the doctor to inform you of what is going on, what could go on and what exactly is expected of you. I have been told the wrong times to be at the dr's office for my thyrogen injections. I had to ask the pre-admission people what time I was supposed to be at radiology. I have not been provided a lab slip for the blood draw that I have to do after my scan this morning. So I'll have to make a stop at my doctor's office to get the slip then go do the lab. Maybe I'm wrong in expecting all of this to be done for me in advance. Maybe I'm supposed to guess what times I'm supposed to be where.

Don't get me wrong, I'm tickled pink to finally be here. I'm just irritated by how this has gone. Instead of it being a simple easy thing, I have felt like it has been challenging because of the lack of communication. Typical for me. I am also aware I am focusing on the wrong thing.

At any rate, griping about the way things have gone aside, here is the plan of attack for today. I go in for the scan to see what may or may not still be there thyroid tissue wise. Then I move on to get another blood draw. My favorite. It is doubtful that I will find out anything anytime soon. From there we head back to my parents and pick up the munch and the sweet grill. That is going to be the highlight of my day.

I guess the end does justify the means. No matter how bumpy the road was to get there.

And So it Begins

2009-07-29T18:28:00.002-05:00

I'm radioactive. It's a lower dosage than what I had an anticipated, but still it's enough for the munch and my sweet grill to not be around me. Friday afternoon they will be back and so for now it's just me and I HATE IT! Not even cupcakes, total control of the TV, a good book, relative silence is making this remotely appealing. It's not even been 12 hours and I miss my babies. I want the chaos, the noise, Nick and Noggin. I want my babies, oh and maybe DH might be ok too.

For anyone who might want details about the morning. We got there and had to wait. Not the best thing for me as I was already edgy. So imagine my surprise when I finally get called back only to be greeted with "umm, I hate to ask you this, but have you had a tubal ligation or a hysterectomy?" The obvious answer was no. Then, "well before we can do anything you have to go the lab for a pregnancy test." Lovely. So down to the lab I go grumping the whole way. It was there that I can say without question I had the worst phlebotomist known to man, or at least to cross my path. I'm quite confident in stating that one. I head back to radiology to wait. The man in nuclear medicine came out to get me and we just sat there while waiting for the test results. Trust me when I say I can assure you I knew way in advance what the answer would be.

So while waiting we go over the history, and he said I can see you have had the surgery. Gee, way to make me not self conscious about my scar. Truth be told I actually don't think of it most of the time, quite a change from last year. So then I had to explain the battle with my tsh levels, then the pregnancy that postponed the first one. Then a miscarriage that ended up in chemo which postponed the second attempt. You could see his eyes get wider as I was talking. Finally I ended it up with yea, it's been a wild year. He just laughed and said "it sounds like it. Quite a few ups and downs for you guys. I'm really sorry." He left for a few minutes and came in carrying a stainless steel container and a styrofoam cup. We were greeted with "Congratulations! You're not pregnant!" and we all laughed. That's the first time I have ever been glad to hear that, and the first time that I was able to laugh about it. Ah progress!

So he opened up the stainless steel cylinder, to reveal yet another container. Lew laughed and said "wow, you aren't kidding with this stuff are you." Meanwhile, I am thinking about the size of this pill. The kind nuclear medicine guy said, "I'm just going to dump it in your hand." It was a long skinny red capsule. I can handle this. Then a cosmic nerd bond happened. He said, "it's just like the Matrix when you take the red pill you get to see..." I sort of blocked out the rest of this but Lew chimed in and finished the sentence. LOL Even later when talking to my parents, I was describing the pill only to hear Lew say, "It's like the Matrix..." Gotta love him.

Shhh...Be vewy, vewy quiet

2009-07-27T19:38:00.002-05:00

I think I can say this out loud. Though I'm still not convinced I won't have to backtrack again. I got my first thyrogen shot this morning, I will go for shot number two tomorrow morning, and if all goes according to plan, I will take the radioactive iodine pill Wednesday morning and be on a mini-vacation at home by myself until Friday.

But lets be honest...when do things ever go according to plan for me? Lately not very often.

I can't believe I did actually get a shot this morning, outside of feeling a little loopier than normal it wasn't too bad. Maybe Wednesday, I'll believe this happening.

In other news I also have an ob/gyn appointment tomorrow. Not sure why as I didn't make it, but I have somethings I want to discuss. I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope she'd give me the green light to TTC again. I'd be lying if I said the flurry of July babies around me in real life, and online has not made me think that I still want one more. But I know that's not the way the conversation will go.

It's funny to think that two huge chapters of my life from the past year may actually be ending within days of each other. It sort of leaves me edgy, where do I go from here? Onward and upward, I suppose.

The Final Countdown

2009-07-24T21:14:00.002-05:00

Enjoy a little Munch humor...More news soon!

Grumptimus Crank

2009-07-20T21:11:00.002-05:00

My house has been invaded by Transformers. They are everywhere I turn. The DVD, the animated series, action figures, you name it. DH has been more than excited to share his love of all things geeky with the munch. He is sharing his childhood, Spiderman, Transformers, Star Wars, the boy has already been exposed. We frequented Burger King more often than even I care to go, and I like Burger King.

The hockey boy (aka DH) has slowly been introducing the movie. I came home one night after going to pick up take out only to find DH and the munch sitting on the couch entranced in the opening scenes. Now keep in mind the munch has been having issues with monsters in his room. So I'm questioning the judgement on this one. Then again DH doesn't have to get up with the munch when he walks into our room only to have me walk him back to put him in bed, so obviously this thought doesn't occur to him.

If you have seen Transformers you may remember the first scenes with the military and one of the first baddies. In my attempt to take Transformers down to the level of a three year old boy who has red monsters that frequently come visit him, my inner nerd came out. What do I say to him? Oh, munch look at how cranky he is. To which he replied, "he is really cranky. He's super cranky." Not content to just leave it at that, I had to take it one further when asked what his name was, I quickly replied "Grumptimus Crank."

Even now over a month later, the munch still refers to that decipticon as Grumptimus Crank and now I have a new nickname on my bad days. I guess it could be worse right?

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

2009-07-12T17:34:00.003-05:00

I know this is going to be shocking, but the RAI treatment isn't happening this week as I thought was planned. While I was gone on the family road trip, the scheduler from my Endocrinologist's office called and left a message saying that Nuclear Medicine couldn't get me in the week of the 13th.

Ummm...you had more than enough time to get it scheduled, I had changed my work schedule and switched late weeks with someone only to find out it was a no go. Obviously, by now you'd think I wouldn't get overconfident in this getting scheduled. Still I was irritated, this has now been over a year in the making. :Sigh:

So no extra special glow for me this week. I will say that I am officially on the books at Nuclear Medicine and it is coming up soon. But for fear of having to post yet again that it's not happening, I am being superstitious and I'll just leave it at that. When/if it does happen, I'll share the radioactive news.

Can I just mention also that I have now reached my 100th post? Sort of cool.

Glory Baby

2009-07-11T21:52:00.002-05:00

No big post today. I was busy enough while the munch and the sweet grill were up to distract me from the fact that today should have been (or would have been) my actual due date. Now not so much.

Glory Baby is a song from a Christian duo named Watermark. The lyrics to this song resurface quite frequently on some of the loss boards that I visit. From what I have read the husband and wife duo behind Watermark suffered two early losses in one year and from those losses stemmed this song. At any rate, this song is encouraging and heart breaking to me at the same time. Today it is oddly comforting.

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

What I Learned on My Summer Vacation

2009-07-07T12:03:00.003-05:00

We just made a family road trip. It's becoming a bit of a tradition as it was the second year in a row that we have made this trip over this particular weekend. The last two years we have driven out to Denver to visit my older sister. Always a bit of an awkward trip, due to quite a bit of family dysfunction. At some point I might talk about this. I actually have a rather long winded post saved as a draft, but decided against it after I felt so much better just writing it all out, even if no one ever sees it. The main point of the trip is to see my oldest niece and nephew, and for my sister to get to know the munch and the sweet grill and for them to get to know their Aunt and their cousins.

Denver is and will always be my home, so it's a bit of a hard trip because I hate to leave. I left though to change my life and my lifestyle, and without leaving I wouldn't one be the person I am today, and two I more than likely would not have met my husband. Maybe now I'm more settled and more comfortable in my skin, I could go back there and live quite happily without falling into any of my own pitfalls.

Anyway, without further adieu, here are some things I discovered while we were gone.

Portable DVD players are very necessary for entertainment purposes. I heard more Transformers and Yo Gabba Gabba than I ever care to hear again, but I had happy kiddos and happy kiddos make for a happy drive.

11 hours is too long of a trip with a one and a half year old and a three and half year old. Breaking it up was a life saver. Even though it seemed twice as long.

Who knew that "I'm going to tickle your piggies" would provide some of the biggest belly laughs heard to date. Used as a distraction from a tired little girl from a temper tantrum.

That potty breaks with the munch, could turn into some of the most interesting conversations. Anyone who was in the bathroom with us, probably got more than a few chuckles.

That it only takes one visit to a truck stop for a three and a half year old boy to discover that they are a true mecca of all things unnecessary.

That truck stops are in fact evil.

The sweet grill loves her puppy cousin Winston the morkie, it brought new meaning to the term puppy love.

The sweet grill needs to learn not to kiss with her mouth open.

Children who live in a house without stairs, are quite fascinated when they arrive in a house with stairs. Same stairs are a great form of exercise for mommies that need it.

If you forget to put sunscreen on the back of your neck, since it's used to longer hair, you will get a nice sunburn,

That puddles are made for jumping, anytime anywhere. Even Mommies need a good puddle jump from time to time.

Traveling with the munch and the sweet grill is tiring. Though I will say that they are troopers.

That the sweet grill is very social even with stingrays, who she kept saying hi to as they would swim by her. She's also brave and loved to touch them when they would get close. I suspect she would have jumped in the water and played with them if it would have been possible.

I learned that the munch sees the bright side in all circumstances. When traveling on a particularly boring stretch of road. On I-70 from Salina to Denver, if anyone is familiar. In the great nothingness, he said "Mommy, look at that beautiful sky, isn't that the coolest thing you've ever seen?" I see nothing, but he sees beauty.

I learned that visits are fun, but home is always better. Also brings the best sleep for the kiddos once they are back in their own beds.

Most importantly, I love my family more than I could ever put into words. My husband, my son and my daughter are the best people in the world to me. My heart is full. I am content.

And for good measure, two pictures of my amazing kiddos from the Denver Aquarium. Man, I love these two.

"Where Everybody Knows Your Name"

2009-06-28T19:37:00.002-05:00

The theme from Cheers, always was kind of a cute song to me. I didn't understand it for a while, or at least how it tied in with Cheers, but I do get it now. It's about familiarity, a comfort level. Of course there are some perks to be known that well. Especially in the bar world. In my younger wilder days I had been a regular at many establishments where our friends played. Usually got in free because they knew us, or because we were on "the list". One particular place we were "VIP's" which meant we got to cut the line. The same bar as soon as the bartenders would see us come up they'd have our drinks ready. Pretty cool for that time in my life. Since my lifestyle has changed being a regular means the owner of my favorite Szechuan restaurant knows it's me by what I order, she knows that typically I'm ten minutes later than I say will be and has it waiting for me at the correct time. Perks, familiarity and comfort all on different levels.

So imagine my amusement at the following conversation during my monthly blood draw on Friday.
Client Specialist 1: How can I help you?
Me: I have a standing order for a blood draw.
Client Specialist 1: How do you spell your last name?
Client Specialist 2: Oh, it's.....(and spells it perfectly I might add) I'm sorry, we just know our regulars here.

Great, I'm now a regular at the lab. Not quite sure what the perks are to this one. I'll have to get back to you on that one. I'm not sure I find a level of comfort with that either. But I do understand what they mean, I have been a fixture there between the partial molar hcg draws and the thyroid draws I guess I have become a regular. I think I would have liked to skip the regular level on this on.

The Great Debate

2009-06-25T22:09:00.002-05:00

I haven't brought this up in awhile, but the issue of whether to ttc still weighs heavily on my heart. Not so much sturm und drang though, but still there none the less. I can say that I am, of this writing anyway, about 90% sure of which way we're going to go. There are pros and cons either way. But I think we are done. I'm not fluctuating nearly as much as I have in the past, I am almost certain my mind will not change.

Here is how the decision is taking shape.

Why I want us to have #3

We always planned on having three, our "hat trick".
I loved being pregnant, swelling, hormonal mood swings, throwing things, high bp every last second of it...Except the worry of course.
I can't imagine not ever being pregnant again.
I think we are good parents and have more than enough love, patience and strength to add to our family.

Why I think we should call it good:

I'm 40 now, I will be 41 before we get the green light to TTC again (April of 2010). If it was timed just right, we could have another December baby. The munch would be 5 and the grill would be 3.
The chances of us actually conceiving right away, while possible are probably not likely as historically it normally takes us five cycles. The exception to the rule was my birthday BFP and we all know how well that turned out.
If I go by the five cycles calculations, yes, I've thought about it...We'd be looking at a September BFP, which would bring May 2011. By that time we'd be looking at 5.5 and 3.5 age wise.
By either calculation, both the munch and the sweet girl will be potty trained and knock on wood both sleeping through the night consistently and not waking up.
By the same token, they might even be sleeping past 6, I'm probably really jinxing myself now by hoping for it.
Financially we could handle three, Lewie will be in school, so we'd be looking at two in daycare. That being said, we could do "more" staying with two. Family vacations, dance lessons, hockey lessons, whatever their little hearts desire.
With the older age, brings a few more risks, despite having two relatively uncomplicated pregnancies. Even though I did end up with PIH with E. Mae and having to move my scheduled c-section up two weeks.
I really am going nuts on the pill...Though mainly I think they are side effects from the prescription I am on. I hate how I feel and I hate having to take it. By deciding to stop TTC I can stop taking the pill and a more permanent arrangement can be made.

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. So this is where I stand. Not nearly as sad as I thought I'd be. I still am not sure that I am ready to give up on never carrying a baby again, but maybe I am being "greedy" by wanting more. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe we can still have three by adopting. Who knows? I just know I need to focus on what I have in the here and now, the blessings I have been given and not worry so much about the should have, would have, could have beens. I need to start enjoying my life and my family again, not worry about whether there will be more of us.

Maybe the debate isn't as great as I thought it was.

37 weeks

2009-06-21T19:33:00.002-05:00

This should have been a big milestone weekend for me. Yes, it's a should have been post. I would have been 37 weeks yesterday. Had the big 4oth birthday BFP turned out the way that I had prayed that it would, I would be thisclose to welcoming our third and final addition to the family. I would have been scheduled for a repeat c-section, sometime in the near future. DD was born at 37w3d due to PIH, and that just adds to the whole nearness of the dates.

My actual due date was July 11th, if they scheduled me for 39 weeks that would have been July 4th, so chances are better that it would have been the end of this month/early July that the new arrival would have made his or her appearance. I was hoping for another boy, yes, I had a preference. I thought the munch would love to have a little brother to rough house with, though in fairness the sweet grill is pretty tough. I liked the idea of DD being the lone girl, being one of three sisters and usually the odd one out, I wasn't keen for her to go through some of the same feelings that I did. Maybe, I should have just wanted a healthy baby instead of having a preference. Though honestly, we all know it wouldn't have mattered one way or the other.

So here I am, no new baby on the way and highly doubtful we will ever have our hat trick. But on the bright side the money we had set aside we've paid off a few credit cards with negotiation.. Bought new living room furniture, a new dining room table (thanks to Angus our black lab puppy demolishing chairs), a swing set and done some painting. It's nice to see our house becoming a home, and I love the swing set for the kiddos, but it's not quite what I had planned. Which pretty much has been the story of my life this past year.

In the Blood

2009-06-17T21:17:00.002-05:00

For the first time in a long time this isn't about my hcg levels, though I will admit I have been lax in doing that part. Hmm...I think that's a route I have been down before.

My TSH levels have changed, so my synthroid prescription has changed from 112 mcg to 125 mcg. Starting immediately.

The more concerning news was my thyroglobin level. She said "it was low but measurable at 2.2." What that means is I apparently still have thyroid tissue. Not too surprising I have suspected it all along. Especially since we could never get my levels to zero the three months we tried. I'm not an Endocrinologist, I just play one thanks to Dr. Google but according to the information I have gathered, part Internet and part department of Nuclear Medicine at St. John's, I'm thinking the three day mini-scan won't cut it. The last time we tried to get this scheduled he said that they usually try to go straight to the full blown, have mercy, glow in the dark scan. I talked about the differences in depth in Adventures in Nuclear Medicine. At any rate I'm back to thinking I know best instead of trusting my endo. It drives me crazy when people second guess their doctor and yet here I am doing the same thing. I'm all for advocating for yourself, but I believe at some point you have to trust your doctor. I have faith in mine, she is good at what she does and is highly respected. So I will go with her treatment plan without complaint. I would hate to go through the five day RAI when I only would have needed the three day...We shall see how this plays out.

Who knew?

2009-06-12T21:48:00.002-05:00

No one told me when I became a mother that my heart would reside outside of my chest 99.9% of the time. No one told me that I'd cry at the drop of a hat, that things would touch me even when they didn't involve me. In real life, I present more of an even keel than what you've witnessed here. Post hormone crash or not.

Yesterday at my endocrinologist appointment I had to go down for another blood draw. Time to check my free T3 and free T4, TSH levels and thyroglobin levels. Obviously, lab work is a non-issue. The bigger inconvenience was the wait. I was wanting to hit Kupcakz after my appointment to bring some cupcakes home to indulge in my new favorite champagne and cupcakes. Yes, I know so classy. Then a mom and a little girl came into the waiting area. At first I thought they were there for the mom, but then it came apparent it was the little girl and not the mom. She was a cute little girl, maybe around the munch's age, maybe a year older. When the phlebotomists called her back, I got edgy. The mom was teary, the little girl started crying and saying "I just want to be done, I just want to go home. I done. I done." They put a little heat pack on her arm and she started crying harder. I could see the Mom wiping tears while holding her daughter and it happened. I got teary. I just wanted to get up and hug the little girl or the mom or both. I wanted to do something. It broke my heart. Who knew that someone else's child would do that time. Who knew that the mother in me would come out even when it wasn't my child. I'm sure the phlebotomist thought I was nuts because I was still teary when it was my turn. She just said "it's hard when they are that little, but it's harder on the mama's." I just said it was hard to observe too.

Maybe it was the fact that she was close to Lewie's age. I'm not sure. I was so surprised that something could bother me that much when it didn't relate to my own family.

Oh, and by the way. Looks like we are scheduling the little three day scan for the week of the 13th of July. We'll see if it happens. It seems like everytime I've gotten close to having it done something has come up. The first time was my BFP, the second time was the news that I had to do chemo because of the partial molar. Maybe the third time is the charm.

I'm late, I'm late for a very important date...

2009-06-07T19:34:00.004-05:00

Huh, funny. The queen of dates missed a big one. I have been thyroid free for a year now. Yes, that's right June 2nd was the first anniversary of my total thyroidectomy. June 4th was the year diagnosis of thyroid cancer. Holy Cow! I never thought I would forget that date.

This time last year, my world was turned upside down and I forgot the date. In fairness I was thinking it was this week. I guess it just goes to show me, that what was once so huge in my life is not quite as big. Even if the treatment portion of this is still looming in the future. I do have an appointment with my oncologist this week, so hopefully that part will get started shortly.

A year ago I got the title cancer survivor, one that I still am hesitant to use. Despite all of my whining about it a year ago, I've had it pretty lucky and I'm realizing that.

No matter how rough I think I have had it, I am still really blessed and very fortunate in this path. Not that I always recognize it.

I was obsessed with my scar, now I don't think about it too much. I don't wear necklaces much anymore because even though the scar is faint, a necklace seems to draw attention to it and I get comments and questions. So rather than have a flashing neon sign around my neck, I just skip the extra ornamentation. Maybe one day I won't care about the questions and start wearing them again, but for now I'll just wait. I'm getting pretty good at that.

Lines in the Sand

2009-06-05T06:21:00.002-05:00

I am not a working mother by choice. In this neck of the woods, I am definitely in the minority. I am smack dabble in the middle of SAHM/homeschool country. While I see nothing wrong with it, that is not the way my life has panned out yet.

Some of the more vociferous SAHM advocates that I go to church with, the same ones who chided me for having a c-section with DS because I didn't get to "experience" childbirth, have made me not staying home a testiment of my faith. "God needs you to step out, he will reward your faith if you will trust him in this." I do trust my God, but at the same time I do not feel like he would like me to chose to be irresponsible either. I could get on my soapbox here, but that's not where I want to go with this. I have been with the same company for 12 years and have been in a new group where I actually feel valued for the past two years. Currently, my check is the "big" check and I carry the benefits as well, which are pretty spiffy, especially since I've had to rely on them a lot lately. Quitting work is just not an option.

In the early days I was all angsty about it. I know so surprising coming from me. But I've moved on and have realized this is not my season to stay at home. Maybe it never will be.

As part of my yearly goals for work my supervisor decided that it would be a good idea for me to get more "exposure". So I can move onto to a different position, one that would take me off the phone and into a more settled situation. I have been on a phone based job for roughly 20 years, let me tell you this seems tempting.

The solution to this was for me to join the SPIRIT Team for my group. I will say it's an awesome group, they (now we) do morale builders, things to make it fun to go to work. My first big event as part of the group takes place today, it's Hollywood day. I stayed late last night to help decorate. Imagine my surprise that I was there three hours past the end of my day and we were only three quarters finished decorating. Three hours overtime, no pay, just for exposure to move to a different position. I missed bedtimes for the munch and the sweet grill, but the munch at least made an appearance. So here's my question, how much time is too much away? How do you balance work and home? In the current economy, I feel as if I need to work harder and be willing to do what is needed to keep my income coming in. Certainly I don't want to sit back in goal planning sessions and say, "nah, I'm good" just leave me be. But at the same time I'm losing the precious few hours I get with my two favorite people in the whole world. Where do you draw the line? How do you balance it out?

Is there ever a balance between work and family where all parties are happy?

Bitersweet

2009-05-26T21:15:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about this for a few days. We've had a milestone around our house. It's a moment I swore would never happen. The munch has finally decided to potty train. He's a bit late with it, but he did it. On his terms. We have been trying everything. I mean everything, every approach you could possibly try, we did.

He looks like his Daddy, but acts like his Mommy. You see, I have a bad habit, the more you push me to do something, the more I push back, I won't do what it is that you want me to do...no matter what. Maybe you remember my rebelling at my tsh blood draws? Not always smart, I know, like I said it's a bad habit. Well, apparently my sweet son, has the same bad habit. As soon as we gave up and figured he'd be 30 by the time he would decide to do it, he did it. He surprised us on his own. I might have mentioned a few days before though, that he and his sweet baby sister were now wearing the same diaper size. I might have mentioned that.

So now he's a "big boy". He will proudly tell anyone that he has pottied. Quite loudly too. That is a trait he doesn't get from me. I won't announce it outloud, I will just write about it, or keep it internal.

I now have a big boy in underwear, and just the sweet grill in diapers, but she already has an interest in pottying since she has watched her brother. She has fluke pottied a couple of times. But not anything to brag about. I know it's no big deal that he's going to the bathroom, he's not the first. But it's huge for me. Suddenly my babies, are not so much babies. I think about how this season of my life might be ending. Do I miss wiping up poopy diapers from a three year old? No. As much as I looked forward to this day, it also brings a certain level of sadness.

This is how I still see the munch:

This is the munch today, this is his "attitude" pose. But still pretty cute if you ask me.

It's Me Only Happier

2009-05-25T21:08:00.006-05:00

This blog started out as a completely separate blog from my family blog. I was spending too much time venting about about the new thyroid cancer diagnosis. Less time talking about my pride and joy, the munch and the swet grill. I could vent, whine, obsess and feel sorry for myself and not feel like I was neglecting my favorite topics of conversation. If you've known me for awhile, or if you know me on Facebook I am nothing if not a proud mama.

This blog was my therapy, my chance to go stream of conciousness and just voice my thoughts as they came. It didn't occur to me that anyone would be interested in my journey. I wrote it as I felt it.

Then my BFP happened, followed by the miscarriage/partial molar/gestational trophoblastic disease/chemo thing. I spent a very long time (ok, maybe it wasn't a very long time, it just seemed like it.) It wasn't pretty. I wasn't pretty.

Now here I am almost a year into my diagnosis, a year into this blog, six months (almost) into the miscarriage, and dare I say things are looking up. Life is what it is. I am finding my smile again, I am feeling at peace with how things are, and maybe how things will be in the long run.

So where do I go from here? Do I have as much to say when I am happy? I'm obviously very opinionated about things. I've missed talking about my kiddos and sharing milestones and my hopes and my dreams for them. My goals for them and myself.

It's a weird place to be in. Funny I guess I always thought things would be dark, I may have always thought that I'd be Eeyore with the dark cloud over my head. Maybe it's not always going to be so, it actually seems pretty sunny at the moment.

May 15th in retrospect

2009-05-17T19:43:00.002-05:00

I mentioned this in the previous post, but May 15th was our five year anniversary. A lot has happened, mostly good, some bad. All in all a great day though.

Oddly enough, there was probably even a subconscious Dr. Seuss reference in our wedding date. "On the fifteenth of May, in the Jungle of Nool, In the heat of the day, in the cool of the pool." For those of you who don't know, I am a HUGE Dr. Seuss fan. I'm hoping to pass that love on to my kiddos as well. At this point, the munch could care less, it's far too boring compared to Spiderman, Cars, Wow Wow Wubbzy, Clone Wars. Well, you get the idea. Though I will admit we watched the classic animated How the Grinch Stole Christmas more times than I can count this past holiday season. He even used to sleep with a stuffed Grinch, obviously before he learned to exert his own will. LOL The sweet grill is going to be my reader, "book, book" she says as she comes up and whacks you with it, right before she backs up into your lap to sit down and be read to for at least two seconds. Sometimes, she even lets me finish a book.

It was May 15th last year that I had my fine needle biopsy. Oddly enough, I went in way over confident. I went in once before only to have all be well. How could it not be this time. Of course, I was wrong and thus began this particular journey. If that wasn't bad enough, though there is nothing quite like getting a needle stuck in your throat several times, my munch got his first stomach bug. Nothing says romance more than toddler puke. It was definitely a memorable day, just not quite the way I had anticipated it going.

This year was far and away better, we got to go a way for a whole night. The first time the sweet grill had been left overnight. I have left her for the two surgeries, thyroidectomy and d&c, but Lew had not. My parents agreed to keep them with the caveat that if they did not sleep they would not do it again until they were 20. We booked a romance package, got a suite, spent a lot of money on new clothes, shoes, dining room furniture, hockey skates and food. Drank more champagne than I have in a very long time. But most importantly we got to connect in a way we haven't for awhile. I remembered how much fun we have together and in case I had forgotten why we ended up together in the first place. It was just enough to bring some light back and laughter, and I kicked his butt in trivia at Dave & Busters.All in all a much better day than last year.

The coming back was nice too, and wouldn't you know it those ornery little buggers of mine, not only slept through the night, they slept well past their normal morning time. Hurray!!!!! Now back to reality and work tomorrow.

Rear View Mirror

2009-05-08T21:44:00.003-05:00

"Saw things clearer, once you were in my...rear view mirror." Pearl Jam

Ok, admittedly this song has nothing to do with anything in my life. Aside from the fact it is one my favorites. I love this song. It's off an album (oops - CD) I bought as Five against One, but they changed to VS, anyway, I digress. The song to me is about perspective. How sometimes once you get a way from something you can see it clearer. Just for the record, the song itself is about getting away from an abusive relationship, but the take away is not about that.

Needless to say I've been looking for perspective, looking for clarity about the last 5 months, last year, last five years. There's been a lot to rap my head around. But as with anything time and distance do provide the a better glimpse of things. Once so much of the raw emotion has been taken out of things, once it's not so fresh things seem not so big.

I'm coming up on my five year anniversary a week from today. I came up with some numbers about the five years that has led me to the new insights I've had. In five years I have had four pregnancies, two take home babies, a total of a year and half breastfeeding, four surgeries (2 c-sections, a total thyroidectomy and a d&c for those keeping score), four rounds of chemo. So scary. A lot has happened.

Here's the thing I realized out of five years of marriage, up until recently, only five months of our marriage has been not consumed by ttc, my desire to have children. Obviously, I've got a year and a half now (all added up) to where I don't have that pressure on. Maybe, in some small way this is the reason why I've been sidelined. Maybe, just maybe, I have put so much pressure on myself to have my family because I'm "old" that I've missed some fun. I went from a newlywed to a woman who suddenly had to have children, and had to have them on a schedule. Where is it written that you have to be done having children by a certain age?

What does all of this mean? Maybe this is my chance to enjoy what I've got instead of focusing on what I don't. Not that I feel as if I haven't enjoyed what I have. It's just been baby, waiting for af to ttc, miscarriage, baby, waiting for af to ttc, miscarriage. I've been a well oiled machine, trying to get my family to the number I desire. If I was younger it would totally be a different story.

Maybe this is my time to enjoy my husband, my amazingly patient (for the most part), cool, goofy husband. My time to play and love and enjoy my sweet, silly, growing way too quickly munch and sweet grill.

So here's the thing, maybe I'll find by April of 2010, that I am complete, that my family is complete. I have by no means made any sort of decision about whether we will ttc again. Honestly, I'm still not ready to make that decision, but I just know that it's time for me to not focus on that part of my life. Not think about temping, age, timing, CBEFM, pre-seed, age, "I don't care how, I want it now" things, that I want three kids, oh yeah and did I mention age?

"I saw things so much clearer....once you were in my, rear view mirror."

I'm Looking for a Few Good...

2009-04-29T21:33:00.002-05:00

Reads. I'm starting to compile a list of reading material. I haven't sat down and read something other than Seuss or Sandra Boynton in ages. Not that I'm complaining.
I might have some time here in the near future where I will have an opportunity to read. Something light and fluffy would be nice, but I'm open to anything.

Past favorites just for reference are Anne Rice, Mary Higgins Clark, Diana Gabaldon (go figure), and on the opposite end of the spectrum Liz Curtis Higgs and Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins and C.S. Lewis.

Does anyone have any suggestions for some new must reads?

Just call me Bella

2009-04-26T21:15:00.002-05:00

or Claudia, or Louis, depending on which era Vampire series you can relate too. I am overdue for an update, I also am very excited to have received my first award, which is so cool to me and I am so honored by it.

Life is moving back at breakneck speeds here. But just had to share a semi-funny moment. I am still in the midst of my weekly draws, I have switched labs for my draws due to various issues with the old one. Bad attitude from the lady checking me, long waits, wrong labs being pulled more than once causing me to have to go back in twice for one lab. I figure if I'm going to be doing this for a year, I should be happy where I am at, rather than to go in dreading the draw.

I have had nothing but great experiences at my favorite lab, and now I'm back. How sad that I actually have a favorite lab. I've had the same tech both weeks, not that she remembers. If I keep getting her I'm sure that she will at some point. While she's getting everything ready, she asks me if I have a favorite arm. Which I do. I push my sleeve up, and she turns around and looks at my arm and says "Wow, you've got veins that turn people like me into vampires." I must be getting warped by the weekly draws because that just made me laugh. Another sign I've done this too much lately, I can even tell you my best vein for draws and I can now watch the whole process without flinching. I don't even jump anymore at the initial needle entrance.

By the time this is done, I might be able to do my own draws. Just tie the tourniquet and let me loose. But then again with such a sweet talker for a tech, I might not want too, she makes it a little bit more tolerable.

Four Months

2009-04-16T21:39:00.004-05:00

Here I am hung up on dates again. Four months ago was my d&c, so essentially four months ago this little sub plot in my life began. Right now it seems like the longest four months of my life. But at the same time, it's been the blink of an eye.

I thought what was going on four months ago was bad, I was naive enough to think that would be it. I'd have the d&c, I'd do my blood draws and be done with it. Surely, I would be able to avoid chemo, surely I'd been through enough in recent months that I would be spared the added fun of the partial molar pregnancy. I mean, you'd think thyroid cancer, a miscarriage/partial molar pregnancy would be enough to catch my attention. Why did I think I was so special? Why did I think I would be exempt to that 1-2%? Where was it written that only so much could happen to one person at one time?

I felt entitled...What I'm learning is no one is entitled to anything. No one is exempt. You just take things as they come and try to learn the lessons that are intended. If there are in fact, lessons to be learned. I am of the mentality, that obviously there is something big I am missing. Now, I'll get plenty of time to figure it out. I'm not any more or less special than anyone else and even though all of this has been huge to me, it is so insignificant to others struggles, other battles. But with that in mind, it is still something I have to go through, whether I have wanted to or not.

Rather than reflect on all of the negative that has happened for once, there has been some good that has come during the past four months. The sweet grill has started walking full time, she is starting to talk more everyday. She is still very sweet, but has a big silly streak coupled with a pretty hefty dose of ornery. The munch has become such a great big brother, so protective of his little sister, so loving to her (when he's not trying to mow her down). He's been my smile when I haven't had one and can make me laugh like no one else. I don't usually do this, but below is a picture of one of my favorite moments with the munch and the sweet grill. Can you believe, they think their Mommy is pretty fun(ny).

DH has been spectacular, he's taken charge of everything, has even missed some of his beloved hockey games to take care of me and/or the kiddos. He has stood by me, and been understanding even when I haven't been easy to be around. I know, I'm sure it's surprising to read that. I could not ask for a better husband, even if he pushes my buttons like no one has ever done before.

We've gone from yucky winter, to the promise of spring. I didn't lose my hair, though it has thinned considerably. Good thing I'm 5'9", most people can't tell.

So I've wandered a bit tonight, and I apologize. Things are just a jumble. I'm trying to not just complain. Maybe the dark cloud is slowly inching away from my head.

A girl can hope right?

Amazing

2009-04-13T21:11:00.002-05:00

Funny thing happened after I whined through my vent yesterday. This weird thing called peace. Not sure where it came from,or why but it's here. I'll take it.

I think what my issue was is that it's out of my control. Really most things are out of my control I just like to think I have a say in how things happen. This whole partial molar has had me so out of my element and has thrown me off the course. I have been scrambling for some type of solid ground. I felt like maybe I could control this one part.

My plans have often not gone the way I planned them. I figured I would be married by 24, have my first baby by 27. I figured I'd always be a stay at home mom. I figured, I figured, I figured. Here's what happened, I got sidetracked by the whole bar/band/music thing. I didn't meet my wonderful husband, who puts up with me so exceedingly well, until shortly after my 34th birthday. We got engaged before I was 35, and were married before I turned 36. We got pregnant with the munch and he was born 12 days after my 37th birthday. Ok, so I was only ten years off. Unfortunately, the stay at home thing is not an option, probably won't be for a long time, if ever.

Here is one thing I need to remember, I think I have said this numerous times before. The way things work out are usually way better than I had ever planned. The same will go for this situation as well. I just need to work on my patience and learn to let go of things from time to time.

My song of the day is Amazing by Aerosmith, a long time favorit of mine for various reasons. It speaks to me on so many different levels. I have been singing this in my head all day.
"It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright."

I guess I just needed to get my irrational, childish temper tantrum of a vent out for me to release it. I think I'm there now.

Released

2009-04-12T21:45:00.002-05:00

It's been a busy week. Oncologist appointment, DH's birthday, Easter. I've been a slacker. I guess it is easier for me to write when a ton of stuff is going on, or rather going wrong, than it is for me when things are going somewhat ok.

The big news is that I have been released from the oncologist. I will continue to do weekly blood draws for another month, then bi-weekly for another two months and then finally monthly for the next YEAR. That's right YEAR. I asked my oncologist about the whole no ttc for a year thing. I asked if it was from d&c date or being of GTD/GTN diagnosis. It's none of the above, he is of the opinion that it will be one year from my last treatment date. From what I have read, that is way more on the conservative side than what I was hoping. I had my heart set on December, but April of 2010 totally threw me in a tizzy. Those extra four months are having a huge impact on me.

I know I should happy that the worst part is over. The calm rational part of me knows I am being a petulant little child. It's not what I wanted, not what I had planned. Now, granted, we haven't decided yet what we are doing in the ttc journey. We haven't ruled out either way. Quite frankly, that is last thing I need to be thinking about, and yet here I am.

I feel like an idiot for being upset about that after everything else. I realize this is not the worst thing that can happen. I realize that I am blessed with two wonderful babies already.

Please don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled to be done with chemo. I am beyond thrilled that I have been released from his care. I guess it's just me being silly because I wasn't told what I wanted to hear.

I just need to remember to be thankful that I am where I am, and just put on my older than dirt big girl panties and just deal with it. Come what may.

Reflections from the Treatment Room

2009-04-02T20:19:00.002-05:00

I had intended to write the obvious, over the top, joyous, Hallelujah! I am done post today. But I couldn't do it. I am not sure I have ever said much about the treatment room, outside of the fact that there was no privacy, or that it was very daunting to be in that room.

Today, was a happy day for me, though sort of anti-climatic. I'm not sure what I was expecting, bells, a parade? It sort of just came and went. I feel resolved, but yet I don't. In typical Suzanne fashion I feel like it can change in an instant, and I'll be back where I started. After almost ten months of almost everything going wrong, I am afraid to be hopeful that the tide is turning.

The treatment room. It's just a room of the back of Cancer Care lined with very nice recliners and heating pads. The heating pads, I have since found out are to warm up the veins, so the veins are more responsive to getting the IV. Have I mentioned I'm hard to put an IV in? I have been fortunate in that while it usually takes three attempts. In any of my surgeries (2 c-sections, thyroidectomy and a d&c) that has always been my least favorite part. In my four treatments, they have hit the vein the first time every time except today. Today, I was introduced to a nice young girl who was doing her clinicals from a local tech school. I was asked if I would mind if she would do my IV. My instinct was to run screaming and say I'll come back later, or to say no. But I didn't. She missed. But to her credit she was very close. She spent what seemed like five minutes rooting around. Not the best feeling in the world. Finally she asked the treatment nurse she was shadowing to take over. It was done in a second. The poor girl didn't go down far enough.

The treatment itself was pretty easy, thirty minutes of pre-treatment, fluids and anti-nausea meds, which I can most assuredly say did not help. The actual act-d treatment, was over in less than two minutes. Actually 1 minute and 36 seconds. Pretty tough right? It was this nice amber color in the vial, but turned yellow going through the IV. It has to be administered manually, because they have to check and make sure that my IV was getting good blood return. This particular type of chemo can wreak all sorts of havoc if not in the vein. After the treatment more fluids to flush it through.

The day of the treatment I usually feel ok, but tired. The day following, I'm pukey usually. Definitely nauseous and tired and foggy. I think I have said it before but it's like a giant hang over without the fun. The next few days are more of the same but get progressively better.

In my two months that I have been visiting, I try not to people watch, but it's hard. I have seen people lose their hair, I have seen people get progressively more frail. I have seen people change their looks by the change of a wig.

I have seen much love between husbands and wives. I have seen quiet strength from everyone there. I have seen some of the sweetest nurses who try to infuse fun into what has to be a draining and sad though sometimes rewarding as well.

I have seen joy, especially today as it was a "serious" chemo patients last treatment. The whole staff came and sang a song to her. It was awesome. What a way to end an undoubtedly difficult time.

I have seen tears. For those of you who pray, I don't know the full situation, but I know God does. There was a woman on the far end of the room from me today, one of the oncologists came out with one of his nurses and one of his treatment nurses and had a visit with her. The next thing I know she was very upset and crying. Like I said I don't know what happened, but based off of appearances, it didn't look good. Though I have a hard time believing that a doctor would deliver bad news in public like that. At any rate, please pray for her. For that matter, please pray for everyone there.

I have also had more than my fair share of laughs, like when my family friend, I have mentioned him in the Cancer Club post, offered to start my IV for me. He is going through his own battle, but yet he still took to joke with me.

Here is what I have learned, I am stronger than what I thought I was, albeit whiney at times. My chemo was nothing compared to the others that I have witnessed and it still kicked my butt. Even though this has been devestating for me, it could have been so much worse. I have nothing but admiration for those in serious cancer battles. My thoughts, prayers and love go out to all of them.

Green Tinted Sixties Mind

2009-03-28T20:57:00.002-05:00

I've already dated myself on several occasions. So it probably would not surprise you to know that I was born in the late 60's. So yes, I'm older than dirt. I grew up in the 70's and had my teenage years in the 80's. Not such a bad deal. I'm going a little retro.

Due to our little snow storm today, we lost our satellite. A big deal around these parts. Noggin is our friend. If you know me on Facebook, the two new videos demonstrate exactly how much. So we got to watch DVDs today, Diego, and Sleepy time Stories which featured Blue's Clues, Wonder Pets, Jack's Big Music Show, my personal favorite Yo Gabba Gabba and then Blues Room. Is it sad that I have a favorite out of all of those shows? Is it even more sad that I have a preference between Steve and Joe on Blue's Clues? For the record, I like Joe.

While picking out our DVDs I ran across a little treasure that I had bought while Lew and I were still dating. We were maybe engaged, but I am not sure even in that fact. I decided today was a perfect day to try and introduce it to The munch and the sweet grill. It's sort of bright and colorful, it has music and it's educational. Schoolhouse Rock. Probably not too shocking, since my zero post.

I have to say that they have not aged well. In fact DH and I discussed how some of them would not even be allowed in schools due to religious references, one of my favorites, "Elementary, my dear" would be one of them, with the whole Noah thing. There are several others. I have to say the munch did not appreciate them to begin with, but by the end he was kind of digging them a little. I totally can remember the Preamble thanks to Schoolhouse Rock, it's come in handy on several tests.

I know it is a bit early to expect my three year old to enjoy them. By today's standards they are pretty boring, but I will keep pulling them out from time to time and hoping he learns to love them as much as Lew and I did and for that matter still do.

It was interesting to look back on such a simpler way of life. When Saturday cartoons were cartoons, or Sid & Marty Krofft's special brand of cheese. Not so much on the violence. The in between spots alternated between commercials and Schoolhouse Rock. It was a time when there were only three stations, you didn't spend all day in front of the TV. You actually went out and played, had friends over and played games if the weather didn't cooperate.

So what did I learn on my snow day? That this is what I want for my children. I want them to be outside kids, I want them to play outside until it turns dark. I want them to appreciate not so fancy shows I grew up with. You can be sure I'll be pulling out the DVDs to help them remember. I wish my childhood fun on them, but with a little modern twist to it as well. My sisters have been bound and determined to not raise their children the way we were raised, and yet here I am wishing that for my children. It's not about the most toys, the most activities. It's the lifestyle that I want for them. Who knows if it is even practical, but I want to try.

For the record, Lew picked up a DVD set that same day, he bought The Muppet Show. I'm looking forward to introducing those to Lewie and Evie too.